Love letter

To. BTS

Annyeong guys. I'm Hana 🌹 This is my first time writing a letter to you, it would be the last time too. I'm a noona fan. I was a bit late of being your fan though. Somehow i only knew bout BTS during HYYH pt 2. I was a kpop fan since 2007 but stopped bout 4 years due to my studies. Life had been such a rollercoaster ride after i'd graduated in 2014. On December 2015, my ex fiancè broke our engagement 2 months before the wedding. I was devastated, it was such a worst moment in my life. So then I got myself back into my craze in kpop and I met you. During The Most Beautiful Moments in Life.

End of 2015.
The songs in HYYH pt 2 hit me hard. So relatable, they spoke my feelings in the songs. I used to read lyrics' trans cause i don't know hangul. Reading bangtan songs lyrics translation though is so full of emotions. And stories that I can relate so much. Youth and life. As Namjoon said, you made the songs about struggles so people who listen will not struggle as much. I never fall in love this hard. Before this i might stan a group because there's someone i like (into my likings) in the group.
But with BTS, i love you all. Even i have Yoongi as my bias, i still love each one of you as a whole. When i listened to Run and Butterfly, they touched my deepest heart. I wished i could run for all the breakdowns and fly like a butterfly.

I started to know ARMYs around the world through twitter. And i would like to thank you a lot BTS, for having a great fam called ARMYs alongside with you guys. The only internet friends i have that i actually met in real life are ARMY. Thru BTS events in Malaysia, i met my mutuals and even become real friends. I'm very glad for that.

My family sometimes questioned me why I'm too obsessed with you guys. I can't answer them right away. The feelings that i feel all these while. After my broken engagement, my mom got sick. She had cancer. I called 2016 as my BTS year, cause all the good things I remembered were from you. Young forever released. I got myself into fanart community on twitter too. Drawing is always be my forte but i never get myself into digital, but I started learning to draw better fanarts because of you. On my birthday early this year, my mom gave drawing tablet as a gift. Also in 2016, I bought my first kpop merchandise - young forever album. Then I bought all your previous albums. Me barely spent for myself except for foods but when it comes to your albums, I'm glad I spent my money on those. Supporting you guys really gave me so much content. When you won daesang for the 1st time, me watching you through live stream, i never cry over kpop but you guys really touched my heart. Your hardwork and love towards us ARMYs made me proud of being part of this family. Knowing so many ARMYs too made me so attached with you. You brought me happiness :')

Early this year, my mom's condition getting worse and she passed away on April. So I decided to sell everything that I had been collecting. I want to move on. It was hard though. Cause after her passing, I got myself into depression again. So I keep myself busy with you to entertain myself but I know, deep inside, my heart was empty.

I'm 27 now and am getting married on coming November with different guy. I believe you might only read this letter, if u ever read it, after my marriage. But that's the reason i'm leaving this beautiful moments i had with you, the reason why this would be my last love letter for you. I'd loved you these past two years and i'll love you forever but i wont be there with you, supporting all the way cause I need to create life of my own, raise my own family. I hope you'll pray for me too to achieve my own beautiful moments in life.

Thank you BTS -- Namjoon, Seokjin, Yoongi, Hoseok, Jimin, Taehyung, Jungkook, despite you guys are younger than me, thank you for all the good words you shared in your musics, the messages you've trying to convey through your songs, the positive vibes you potray through your dedication and hard work, your love towards each other and ARMYs. Thank you for being part of my youth. No words can describe enough my grateful of knowing you guys. Thank you.

I wish you all the best in the future. Keep spreading good messages, great musics and positive attitude. Be humble. Be youself and love yourself too. Like how ARMYs always love you. Please take good care of yourselves and I love you. Saranghae and goodbye ♡


Yours sincerely,
Hana 🌹
@MinHana26

Lost.mp3

i wrote this on January but never post it
the emotion i put while writing this is still exist though
after 7 months, i'm still...lost

This is going to be my long ass rant post

Random cause i dun care anymore...

I quit my job, although it may sound as one year unpaid leave, in my mind i decide to find different job

At the moment i'm still looking for alternative of what I should do

What i want to spend my life 

I love teaching i really do

But nowaday I feel weak, and hopeless and unworthy to be a teacher

We teachers need to remind our kids on how to behave, how to be a good servant of Allah

But behind those talk, i am a pathetic noona fan of kpop

It might not the biggest sin but doing these behind the scene already make me such a loser

So i quit, with the excuse of taking care of my mom but instead i want to take care of myself

I want to reconcile and reorganize everything.

The mess i've been made since 2014

I used to study abroad and there i learned more bout my religion 

I learned on the purpose of life, meaning of Quran

Until now i can still revise those talks, knowledge bout my deen, which verses of quran talking bout this and that

But the fact it is now become nothing but knowledge disgust me 

I dun feel the feelings i felt back then

The feelings of proud muslim

I choose this

Proud, work hard to achieve our dream

Now what i called myself, proud ARMY? 

Behind those status in twitter, all those fangirl words and statements

Lmao, lol, emoticons that nothing real

I was typing away emotionless

Who cares

Who knows

It just a place to pull me away from reality

For my real life i've been swaying myself

Dun know how to navigate on what best for me

Marriage, career and those whole matter of life

I am old

But i am still a child inside

Not knowing 

Not wanting

Life is too short to not having dream 

Yes bts, the one who make into this deep shit of fandom, fanart, fanfic and all f out there

I dun blame them

Most part of me is happy i get to know them, their musics, their meanings of wanting to spread positivity in life through their musics

But other part of me is in total vain and pain

I'm scared

Too scare

I'm lost, total lost so save me 

God, save me...

Now i'm a bit free not having a job, thinking  i can hv time to navigate my life better, i keep myself fangirling

Like waeee what i want

Ottoke how to leave

I tried, many times, to stop

Uninstall unnnecessary apps, deactivate but after few days i'm back 

Same

Same since 2010

I thought i can leave kpop or any dunya entertainment worldly bs but

I didnt

I never leave

Instead i made a mask

Wearing that mask, living double life

My family is the only ones know bout me having these

But they cant say anything to change me

I know too..

It's mine to decide

Like how the hell u expect ppl to change u when u within never want it to change

Suddenly the person who suppose to take care of my teaching duty while i have my leave want to quit coz she got new job

Then what am i supposed to do

I'm still not done the puzzle

Collect all the things i was breaking myself into

U want me to come back and teach

No

I cant

Not now

Not near in future

I'm sick

Like my mom

I'm sick too

Emotionally

Spiritually

The funny thing is i know

I know how to heal but yet i fill the emptiness with more fangirling

Forever, it wont heal

That sometimes i wish i would just lost my memories and start fresh

From all the mess

I am building in

Sigh...

my mom peacefully passed away now
i wish that God granted her jannah
but i'm here, still sick 
and
lost.

May

This is a post to reply for RM's post in fancafe.

How's your May? He asked.

My May is so eventful. Hectic too.
2 weeks had passed since my mom left us.
Since then, i was going out more than staying home.
I looked happier.
I still sad whenever, miss her badly too, everything i look reminds me of her, but she wont be happy if i keep crying over her passed away.

I visited my sisters' houses.
I went for a trip with friends.
Went hiking for two days in a row.
My engagement day is coming soon as well.
Then i'll be back working at school and exam week is approaching means marking papers is piling up too as well as catch up any deadlines since I've been on leave for the past 4 months.

Anyways,
RM words never fail to warm me.
Yes, i'm leaving fangirl world aka the fandom itself but i do sometimes check on them and their activities.
They are afterall a part of my youth :)