Lost.mp3

i wrote this on January but never post it
the emotion i put while writing this is still exist though
after 7 months, i'm still...lost

This is going to be my long ass rant post

Random cause i dun care anymore...

I quit my job, although it may sound as one year unpaid leave, in my mind i decide to find different job

At the moment i'm still looking for alternative of what I should do

What i want to spend my life 

I love teaching i really do

But nowaday I feel weak, and hopeless and unworthy to be a teacher

We teachers need to remind our kids on how to behave, how to be a good servant of Allah

But behind those talk, i am a pathetic noona fan of kpop

It might not the biggest sin but doing these behind the scene already make me such a loser

So i quit, with the excuse of taking care of my mom but instead i want to take care of myself

I want to reconcile and reorganize everything.

The mess i've been made since 2014

I used to study abroad and there i learned more bout my religion 

I learned on the purpose of life, meaning of Quran

Until now i can still revise those talks, knowledge bout my deen, which verses of quran talking bout this and that

But the fact it is now become nothing but knowledge disgust me 

I dun feel the feelings i felt back then

The feelings of proud muslim

I choose this

Proud, work hard to achieve our dream

Now what i called myself, proud ARMY? 

Behind those status in twitter, all those fangirl words and statements

Lmao, lol, emoticons that nothing real

I was typing away emotionless

Who cares

Who knows

It just a place to pull me away from reality

For my real life i've been swaying myself

Dun know how to navigate on what best for me

Marriage, career and those whole matter of life

I am old

But i am still a child inside

Not knowing 

Not wanting

Life is too short to not having dream 

Yes bts, the one who make into this deep shit of fandom, fanart, fanfic and all f out there

I dun blame them

Most part of me is happy i get to know them, their musics, their meanings of wanting to spread positivity in life through their musics

But other part of me is in total vain and pain

I'm scared

Too scare

I'm lost, total lost so save me 

God, save me...

Now i'm a bit free not having a job, thinking  i can hv time to navigate my life better, i keep myself fangirling

Like waeee what i want

Ottoke how to leave

I tried, many times, to stop

Uninstall unnnecessary apps, deactivate but after few days i'm back 

Same

Same since 2010

I thought i can leave kpop or any dunya entertainment worldly bs but

I didnt

I never leave

Instead i made a mask

Wearing that mask, living double life

My family is the only ones know bout me having these

But they cant say anything to change me

I know too..

It's mine to decide

Like how the hell u expect ppl to change u when u within never want it to change

Suddenly the person who suppose to take care of my teaching duty while i have my leave want to quit coz she got new job

Then what am i supposed to do

I'm still not done the puzzle

Collect all the things i was breaking myself into

U want me to come back and teach

No

I cant

Not now

Not near in future

I'm sick

Like my mom

I'm sick too

Emotionally

Spiritually

The funny thing is i know

I know how to heal but yet i fill the emptiness with more fangirling

Forever, it wont heal

That sometimes i wish i would just lost my memories and start fresh

From all the mess

I am building in

Sigh...

my mom peacefully passed away now
i wish that God granted her jannah
but i'm here, still sick 
and
lost.

The realms of day and night

Two different worlds coming from two opposite poles mingled during this time

We living in a good life.
We living in a bad life.

We got different start and stories
We got different nights and mornings

So what I was saying in my twitter; if u know me irl, please pretend u don't...
Like I am some kind of secret agent living a double life
Of me asking should I post more personal stuff on twitter or should I keep it as kpop related only, so I thought me being a kpop fan is not personal?
In fact it is, like my friends irl never know me in twitter and I might say to them "it's personal" while my mutuals never know me irl and I would say "it's personal"
Which person I am then?

Someone then may ask, what's the matter with u? R u a celebrity irl?? Stop being hypocrite! Dun lie!!!
Well, I never lie...I'm just not tell everything and be transparent.
Why?
Because u will judge me hard if u know both of me...
Only my family know these double life of mine and they occasionally judging me here and there

Why are u like this when u actually do this?

Be like what? Do what?

I told somewhere in the blog and twitter too that I am a teacher
Some of my mutuals were impressed and wish they have a teacher who also an army
So now, if I tell u I am ustazah (a religion preacher) would u still be impressed?
Someone who teach bout islam but stan kpop? Ridiculous!
Why the double standards?

I'm not ustazah though, but yeah..
this kind of double standards on how people look and judge brought me into these two sides of me which both are personal
Both makes me as myself

Life is about choices
That's why I love Namjoon's lyrics the most because he keep bringing that topic
Of choices in life

And I was reminded just now with the verses from Quran chapter 69 Surah Al-Haqqah

That Day, you will be exhibited [for judgement]; not hidden among you is anything concealed.

So as for he who is given his record in his right hand, he will say, "Here, read my record!

Indeed, I was certain that I would be meeting my account."

So he will be in a pleasant life -

Because he living in a good life

But as for he who is given his record in his left hand, he will say, "Oh, I wish I had not been given my record

[ Allah will say], "Seize him and shackle him.

Then into Hellfire drive him" 

Because he living in a bad life

In the day, all the secrets, having a double life or whatnot are going to be revealed.

So what choice that I made?

Letter from an ARMY

"stanning bts is the most fulfilling, satisfying, rewarding experience.. theyve seriously given me the happiest moment in my life" -vminissi

Disclaimer: This is my letter. Only my opinion. Not all armys.

I am one year army. Although i've been into kpop since 8 or 9 years ago, I never become part in any fandom. I just love kpop musics as general. They've been accompanying me whenever i need to study. Because i didn't care bout the lyrics nor i understand them.
I just listen and do my work. And i'd be mad if there's kpop song playing when i want to sleep. Cause for me, kpop is for me to stay up. That's all.

But later, as I grew up...I realized some songs contain explicit content. Not good to my belief as a muslim. So I started to read lyrics translation each time I like a song.

In 2010, I came across exo. In fact, i was stanning them since they debuted. I love MAMA, the lyrics were nice though i dun remember it well now.
And later they became famous with growl. The song was so catchy and i even learned the dance.
I love their XOXO album the most though i didn't buy it. I never buy any kpop merchs until bts.
When exoM members were out one after another and their title songs were keep repeating the same topic of a boy crazily in love with a girl, i backed off a bit.
But I still listen to their songs for each comebacks.

End of 2015, I met BTS.
Their songs in HYYH pt 2 hit me hard. So relatable, they spoke their mind and mine too in their songs. Reading lyrics translation is never be the same. So full of emotions. And stories. Youth and life.
As namjoon said, he made the songs about struggles so people who listen will not struggle as much.
I never fall in love this hard. If before i might stan a group because specifically there's someone i like (into my likings) in the group.
But BTS, i love them all. Even i have bias and all, i still love them as BTS.

I made a twitter acc and joined the fandom.
Along the way, i've been thinking of backing off as well. It was a rollercoaster emotional ride to be in this fandom.
There are immature fans, rude fans make me questioned myself why I'm in this at the first place.
But then I met so many others beautiful souls of armys around the world.
Who love the boys as much, and love to share the happiness with other armys.
Who share encouraging words here and then.

At first all i did was following ppl for giveaways. But now i hold giveaways myself and met nice people along the way.
I managed to buy albums for myself and want to share more with others as well.
Especially those malaysian armys that honestly i feel like meeting old friends.
Even mostly or i would say all of my mutuals except maybe 1 are younger than me, i feel loved.
To be able to support them as well and share my life experiences is an honor.

Now whenever i see those fanwars, I back off immediately. I don't want to spread hate.
Someone posted saying her friend told her why she hates army is because most armys are stanning BTS only.
So what's wrong with that?
Like I do listen to other songs as well but stanning one is enough.
Enough for my emotions and money, I can't never be like those multifandom fans.
I'm barely survive with BTS haha

By stanning means I'm going to support my boys as much as I can without dragging others down..
Every idols work so hard to achieve whatever achievement they deserved
So move on.
U support yours, i support mine
Why hate when we can always spread love :)

Sincerely,
An ARMY

#WINGS

I wanted only to try to live in accord with the promptings which came from my true self. Why was that so very difficult? 
Demian: The Story of Emil Sinclair's Youth by Hermann Hesse 

tell me? is there any other idol groups that make the fans go all out reading a philosophy storybook?
none but BTS. i stan the right group.

***

it was a peaceful night. I've got less work to do so I might just sleep early.
11PM. A notification came in, @BTS_twt RT something.
 

#WINGS so the episode #BEGIN where all army are seeking for the truth, all become the next Sherlock Holmes trying to figure out the meaning of this. 

Even the video made me shocked, the horror theme while me watching in the dark.

so yes. my peaceful night ain't peaceful anymore.

but still, I slept soon after.

Woke up in the morning didn't do much help. The feelings were still lingering over me.

Tried to digest some theories but I gave up except I'm interested in reading the book that Namjoon narrated a verse in the video.

So I read. and I shook even more.

this is deep. too deep. make me questioned myself of wanting to read this book at the first place.

That is why every man's story is important, eternal, sacred; that is why every man, as long as he lives and fulfills the will of nature, is wondrous, and worthy of every consideration.

As a person with religion (I am a Muslim), although the book was written by a christian looking at his reference on bible, we have a faith on God and why we humans were created at the first place.

and, we have our soul and our desire that keep on fighting inside ourselves.

The realms of day and night, two different worlds coming from two opposite poles, mingled during this time. 

There's a saying from kdrama Hello Monster/I Remember You that I like;

An elderly indian chief said to a child: In our hearts there are two wolves inside! One wolf is weak. What it has is: anger, jealousy, sadness, regret, vanity, greed, lies, pride, superiority, complexity. The other wolf is a good wolf. What it has is: happiness, love, hope, kindness, mercy, magnanimity, truth, compassion. The wolves always fight inside of us. So the child asked: “Which wolf wins?” The indian chief said: The one you feed.  

I believe every person in this world has their own two worlds.

For me, I have two obvious worlds of myself - online and offline

Before I do not call it as online, it's just inside my head.

sometimes I wrote it in my personal blog, sometimes I just made a drawing out of it, but most of the times I just keep it in myself.

Now that I have BTS and ARMY to channel my feelings online, so I did.

Still, as I expected, it don't bring me to calmness or sorts, it became anxiety, agitated, worry...

because deep inside my heart I know;

Sometimes you just have to take the leap, and build your wings on the way down - Kobi Yamada

I'm going to write more about Demian once I finished read the book.