The realms of day and night

Two different worlds coming from two opposite poles mingled during this time

We living in a good life.
We living in a bad life.

We got different start and stories
We got different nights and mornings

So what I was saying in my twitter; if u know me irl, please pretend u don't...
Like I am some kind of secret agent living a double life
Of me asking should I post more personal stuff on twitter or should I keep it as kpop related only, so I thought me being a kpop fan is not personal?
In fact it is, like my friends irl never know me in twitter and I might say to them "it's personal" while my mutuals never know me irl and I would say "it's personal"
Which person I am then?

Someone then may ask, what's the matter with u? R u a celebrity irl?? Stop being hypocrite! Dun lie!!!
Well, I never lie...I'm just not tell everything and be transparent.
Why?
Because u will judge me hard if u know both of me...
Only my family know these double life of mine and they occasionally judging me here and there

Why are u like this when u actually do this?

Be like what? Do what?

I told somewhere in the blog and twitter too that I am a teacher
Some of my mutuals were impressed and wish they have a teacher who also an army
So now, if I tell u I am ustazah (a religion preacher) would u still be impressed?
Someone who teach bout islam but stan kpop? Ridiculous!
Why the double standards?

I'm not ustazah though, but yeah..
this kind of double standards on how people look and judge brought me into these two sides of me which both are personal
Both makes me as myself

Life is about choices
That's why I love Namjoon's lyrics the most because he keep bringing that topic
Of choices in life

And I was reminded just now with the verses from Quran chapter 69 Surah Al-Haqqah

That Day, you will be exhibited [for judgement]; not hidden among you is anything concealed.

So as for he who is given his record in his right hand, he will say, "Here, read my record!

Indeed, I was certain that I would be meeting my account."

So he will be in a pleasant life -

Because he living in a good life

But as for he who is given his record in his left hand, he will say, "Oh, I wish I had not been given my record

[ Allah will say], "Seize him and shackle him.

Then into Hellfire drive him" 

Because he living in a bad life

In the day, all the secrets, having a double life or whatnot are going to be revealed.

So what choice that I made?

Blood, Sweat and Tears

The 7 Deadly Sins

I can't reject it anyway

I can't even escape anymore

You are too sweet, too sweet

My blood sweat and tears

The mv itself is sinful enough

And someone said about the 7 deadly sins according to bible 

Greed

Sloth

Lust

Gluttony

Wrath

Envy

And worst of all, pride.

I'm a muslim.

I know very little of christianity

So I'm sorry if my readers, who i believe came from different races and religions, not agree with what I'm about to write

It is only my opinion

Who still, as a muslim, lacking in so many ways

I'm learning too, still learning and will always be.

Boy meets evil

How a person meets his own temptations

As a way of growing up

So those 7 deadly sins mentioned in the bible are not against islam

They are charateristics of a person can has, or could also be one person's intention based on his emotions 

Greed 

Excessive pursuit of material possession

Big houses, big cars and big rings
Worldly material that seems to never get enough
Being rich is not a sin
We are encouraged to work hard to achieve our dream, to fulfil our needs
But when the desire become strong enough that a person don't care about good or bad as long as he get the wealth, even he needs to destroy others to that matter, that's when things are going wrong
The evil wins.

Here a video that I love to watch regarding this matter: https://youtu.be/nFbhutAJHhI

Sloth

Excessive laziness or failure to act and utilize one's potential

Shows by jungkook in the mv, the way he swings and lays down on bed looking on the ceiling not doing anything 

Well, this is something I usually become
Especially on weekend
Although it heavily mentioned in the holy Quran;
'By the time. Verilyn man is in loss' [Al-Asr':1-2]
I usually say to my kids,"if you are lazy, I can't help you. Only if you are willing to learn then I'll be able to help you"
Sometimes, it is easier to say than done
Let's work harder!

Lust

Uncontrollable passion or longing, especially for sexual desires

I'm not married yet, can't say much on this
Moving on >_<

Gluttony

Excessive ongoing consumption of food or drink

Shows by rapmonster in the mv, the way he drinks and smokes and sings about food

Nowadays eating is not just to fill your stomach but more to luxurious means
Food porn, they said
Taking pictures before eat, dine out in expensive restaurant or hipster cafe, buffet style and so on
A question for us to ponder,"do you eat to live or live to eat?" ;)

Wrath

Uncontrollable feelings of anger and hate towards another person

Shows by jhope in the mv, the way he sings his part and shooting arrows
This may lead to murder in extreme cases
Even here in Malaysia, there's always murder cases on news frontpage due to hatred and jealousy
When emotions take over your rationality, it hurts...

Envy

Desire to have or experience that someone else possesses
Jealousy or hasad is a disease of the heart
In fact the first sin that was ever committed
When Allah said to the angels to bow down to Adam, Iblis (devil) refused because he was jealous to the honor that God gave to Adam
The devil said to God, "This one whom you have honored above me, if You give me respite to the Day of Judgment, I shall surely bring his descendants under my sway, all but a few" (Sura Al-Isra' verse 62)

Islam allows competition in goodness where people try to excel ad do things better, but without getting involved in hatred and jealousy and without wishing bad things for others
Why this make me think of the fanwars that are going on non stop in twitter
Like seriously...

The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said,“Do not be jealous of each other, do not boycott each other, do not hate each other, do not contrive against each other. Be all of you brothers to each other, O Servants of Allah.”

Pride

Excessive view of one's self without regard to others

Shows by Jin in the mv, at the end of the mv where he looks at the flower called narcisst and then he turns his face to the mirror and his face cracks
It's Jin, you know..the most confident man regarding his beauty :p
I mean, pride is good with the thing you believe in
Like I have pride about islam
No matter how sinful I became I believe islam is the best way of life
Just don't hate
That view of one self doesn't give us the right to drag others down
That pride, hold it for what really matters.

Now as I just learned there's hadith about 7 deadly sins in islam
So I better share it as well...

Narrated Abu-Huraira (may Allah be pleased with him); ‘The Prophet (SAWS) said: “Avoid the seven great destructive sins.” The people enquired; ‘O Allah’s Messenger! What are they?’ The Prophet (SAWS) said: To join others in worship along with Allah, to practise sorcery, to kill the life that Allah has forbidden except for a just cause (according to Islamic law), to eat up usury, to eat up the orphan’s wealth, to show one’s back to the enemy and fleeing from the battlefield at the time of fighting, and to accuse the chaste women, who never even think of anything touching chastity and are good believers.” (Bukhari).

7 deadly sins according to islam

The christians' 7DS focus on individual characteristics

While islam focus on how to protect islamic society as a whole

Watch this video if you want to learn more about this: https://youtu.be/OXa80iqZQqI
The video is the reason I wrote this post

Fuhhh why all this big talks on religion?
It is great, BTS did it again! They inspired us to learn more than our comfort zone

And Lumpen, the mv director, for being all artsy with these concepts

I am afraid at first, the concept is too deep and sinful for me but then I started to read

I used to think learning other's religion would shaken my faith

But instead, it strengthen up! Make me say I am a proud muslim.

Even I'm not a good muslim myself yet, but at least I would not just saying I am muslim because my parents are muslims too

I am muslim because I choose to be muslim, as a way of life.

Temptations are always there chasing you down
Like how the 7 boys make my life upside down
But still
Utilize them for our own good and not the other way around
Keep fighting!

The Last

I don't even know my own self, so who can know me? -AgustD

That one verse speaks up my feelings.
With things that I can't explain myself while others were expecting me to tell the truth.

16.08.16
The day Suga dropped his mixtape.
Armys were dying to the fire he lits up.
For me, that day was one year anniversary of my broken engagement.
I was engaged on that date one year ago.
He later broke the engagement on december due to his disease that no one knows but his close family and me.
He just knew about the disease and chose to break the engagement.
I understood his reason and i respected him for that.
I cannot imagine myself of marrying him either.
He told me bout the disease, no he didnt, his sister told me on early december.
But he kept me hanging for couple weeks until his family came and returned the ring.

During that few weeks, i was devastated to be honest.
I can't even tell my family why he decided to break up.
My family blamed him for being disrespectful and irresponsible.
The marriage should be taken in two months, I already booked the catering, done marriage course as well as hiv test, i almost print the wedding invitation cards.

Still, i don't blame him.
I don't really know him, we met through my mom's friend.
So i dun have heart broken feelings like he was my soulmate we should get married yada yada...
But i was sad for some reasons. And devastated, really.
Marriage seemed like a very sensitive issue for me.
And i started to build up walls around me.
Into my freaking obsession on kpop.
Kpop was not new to me, i've been kpop fan since 2008, i watched so many kdrama i cant decide which one is the best, i stan so many groups with different bias each time.
But then this time, the wall i built is so much thicker.
I fall into a deeper pit called fandom.

I get to know BTS during i need u era.
But their short pants were not into my likings and their earlier songs were too noisy for me at that time.
But later during that few weeks of denial state, BTS was promoting RUN and Butterfly.
The songs were directly shot into my heart.
To be honest i was trying to RUN away and i wish i could jusy dissapear like a Butterfly.
I can't remember how i started making twitter account specifically for BTS.
I started to follow other bts fans, get to know about army, watched all previous mvs, bangtan bombs, variety shows, performance stages.
My whole december (it was school holidays so i had a lot of free time) was filled with bts.
Bts bts bts.
My sisters (who also kpop fans) thought i was acting so weird.
Like too obsessed.
Bts was the only thing i talked about.
And the wall was getting taller, thicker.
Like i dun care what u want to say bout it, bts is my babies so if u want to talk bad about me fangirling over them just get off me.
Seriously, even me, i scared of my own self.

I don't even know my own self, so who can know me?

After he broke the engagement, my mom was desperately trying to find a new man for me so i can still get married as planned before.
Seeing her like that make me even devastated.
Why mom? Can i live being single a bit more...
I became passive.
Everytime she or anyone else wanted to introduce me with someone, i acted like i dun care.
I was scared.
With guys that i dun even know their existance and suddenly they want me to get know each other to lead for marriage.
No..not yet.
I'm not ready for this again.

One, two, three...
One after another the matchmaking sessions didn't turn out well.
Like God was trying to say to me, 'u r not ready for this, it is not ur time to get married yet.'

Later my mom got sick.
She need to be hospitalized for few times.
And i am taking care of her now.
Allah knows best.
It is my time to pay my duty as her child.
I've been spending 5 years in boarding schools and another 6 years in college and university abroad.
Leaving her after all those years to get married to someone i barely know...Allah stopped me there.
Now is my time to spend with her.
Although most of the time she still talk about marry me off before she dies, i keep telling, "dun worry mom, u will be okay and i'll be just fine"

"Sooner or later when my time comes then i'll get married. Until then, let me be ur faithful daughter no matter how bad i am..."

For The Last time before my youth fades away, let me enjoy my most beautiful moments with her, with my family...😘

***

So then u asked, what disease that he had?

a word said like Habit, oh, I don't giVe a ----, i don't give a ----
those words are all words i use to hide my weak self
that time i want to erase, that's right, the memories i want to erase of that day i had that "concert"
i was afraid of people, so i hid in the bathroom and stared at myself
-AgustD, The Last

(The concert where my mom was venting her anger towards his family while his mother was crying in agony and i dun even see his face for the last time - the day he broke our engagement officially)