Not today

Because she was a fighter.

No not today
Some day, the flowers will wither
But no not today
But today’s not the day
No no not today
It’s too early to die
Too good day
No no not today

It turned out the cancer spreads to her whole body - blood, bones, ovary, pancreas, kidney, stomach, even there's blood clot in her heart.
But she was indeed a fighter.

My mom.
As a person she was a successful one in every aspect of her life.

She is a muslim, she prays 5 times a day, fasting during ramadhan even last year when she started to be sick she managed to fast for the whole month, she paid her zakah, she went to mecca for hajj once.
As a muslim, she's a good muslim, always spread goodness to others.

She is a daughter and sister, she took care of her dad well until his last breath, she paid for her sister's medication until my aunt died due to diabetes, she helped most of her nephews and nieces to get into nice colleges after highschool since she worked with MARA (education institute)
As a member of her family, she's a great daughter sister aunt for taking care everyone's need as much as she can.

She is a wife, she took very well care of my dad. Sometimes i feel my dad had been spoiled too much. But my mom once said, she wants to go to heaven and one of the way is being a good wife.
As a wife, she really did, being a great woman for my dad.

She is a mother, she raised 8 children with her hands, now all become decent human beings. Eventhough she's busy as career woman, she came to parent-teacher meeting everytime for each of her children. She took care of the household, only had maid once. She even fainted before when we were all kids. She raised us up, brought us to good schools and colleges, 3 out of 8 even able to study overseas - australia, indonesia, UK - because of her hardwork. Taught us how to pass interviews. When we were elementary school kids, she helped us with homeworks. I love to draw but i hate to colour vast area like sky and sea, so she would helped me to colour those, taught me how to colour properly without use too much energy. Over her years working, she saved her money, bought houses for her kids. She even hv so much more in her bank account to spend for her children's future.
As a mom, she is an awesome one, did the most for each of us. Sometimes how ungrateful we were to appreciate her hardwork.

She is a friend, to every person she met throughout her life. We moved a lot, everytime she made new friends, which she keep in touch with most of them. When she sick, her friends during highschools, college, university, workplaces came to visit her, all telling how good friend she was. She even made friend with random person she met. A woman she talked to while queing for toilet in rest area, an old lady she said hi in the bustop...
As a friend, she is an awesome friend.

She was a teacher. She taught math, physics and english once. She taught english for few years after graduated, just like me. Only when she was 35, she became mara educator, taught physics sometimes math, from MRSM beseri then mara college kulim, then mara college banting, later kktm bandar penawar then back to kmb before she stopped being a teacher as profession and became mara officer instead at mara main quorters in kuala lumpur. Before she resigned at the age of 58.
As a teacher, she was great kind hearted one. Always loved by so many. Her students called her ummi. I remembered as kid, i was jealous when so many called her ummi while she's my mom. How dare them >.<
When she sicks, all her students from different batches came visit one after another. The reason why i chose to stay as a teacher, as long as possible...

Watching over her, until her last breath, i want to thank God for letting me be her daughter. Someone who doing so great in her life. Thank you for sending us an angel in a form of a mother, taking care after us all this while. Thank you.

My mom passed away on 23rd April at 8.54PM Al-Fatihah...
Until we meet again mom, in heaven.

For every wishes and prayers, and kind words. Thank you ♡ may God bless all of you...

Spring Day

I miss you
When I say that
I miss you more
I’m looking at your photo
But I still miss you
Time is so cruel
I hate us
Now it’s hard
To even see each other’s faces

It’s only winter here
Even in August, winter is here
My heart makes time run
Like a Snowpiercer left alone
I wanna hold your hand
And go to the other side of the earth
To end this winter
How much longing
Has to fall like snow
For the spring days to come?
Friend

Like a small piece
Of dust
That floats in the air
If the flying snow is me
I could
Reach you faster

Did you change?
Or did I change?
I hate even this moment that is passing
I guess we changed
I guess that’s how everything is

Although you left
There hasn’t been a day
That I have forgotten you
Honestly, I miss you
But now I’ll erase you
Because that will hurt less
Than resenting you

Snowflakes are falling
Getting farther away
I miss you
How much more do I have to wait?
Until I can see you?
Until I can meet you?

You know it all
You’re my best friend
The morning will come again
Because no darkness, no season
Can last forever

Cherry blossoms are blooming
The winter is ending
I miss you
If I wait a little longer
I’ll go see you
I’ll go pick you up

Past the end of this cold winter
Until the spring comes again
Until the flowers bloom again
Stay there a little longer
Stay there

cr. colorcodedlyrics

as expected of bangtan, making relatable songs about youth, about life

when the mv dropped, i was stunned by the cinematography so aesthetic and beautiful 

then i clicked the cc and read the trans

it feels like love song

but after repeat the song again and again and again (to get 10M and all) it struck me, hard

especially on yoong's part

"did u change? or did I change?"

this is faded friendship song

after time passes, what happened to us?

so I decided to look at my old photos while listening to the song

and i was crying, my heart hurts

i miss them so much

i miss the old me

"if you have old friends u havent talk for awhile, call them and say hi" - namjoon, vlive ch+

we must move on in life, but sometimes it's good to stay and look back, it's bitter sweet :')

to learn, become a better person...

Young Forever

This is pinned post. Please read further for latest post. Thanks for reading :)

*****

Forever we are young

Amidst the scattering rain of flower petals

I run, wandering through this maze

Forever, we are young

I may fall down and get hurt

But I still run endlessly towards my dreams

The Prophet (SAW) said:

“Take benefit of five before five:
Your youth before your old age,
Your health before your sickness,
Your wealth before your poverty,
Your free-time before your preoccupation and
Your life before your death.”
[Mustadrak Al-Haakim]

Being young is not long lasting. 

The question is how you define young?

Bill Gates founded Microsoft at the age of 20 while Steve Jobs co-founded apple when he was 21

Sultan Muhammad Al-Fateh conquered Constantinople at the age of 21 as well

Yet, Prophet Muhammad became the muslim leader in Madinah when he was 53 years old. 

So my point is, age is just a number. 

But being young is what we work on ourselves for a better future. 

What is our dream?

What is our purpose of life?

What we want to achieve at certain age?

Life is indeed a short journey, so what we had done to our youth?

I became an ARMY when I was 25

I love their concept, of promoting youth energy. 

From being a rebellious youngster, hatred towards adulthood that seems meaningless, to fall in love with someone might not worth for, to work hard for your dreams while keeping the youth vibe. 

Me being a kpop fan for almost 8 years, now become an adult I feel how meaningless this fangirling thing. 

But since I found BTS, I became 18 years old me all over again. 

Because I thought this is the thing that will make me work hard towards my dream. 

To stay young, to feel young. 

But I was wrong. 

I am scared actually. 

Being an adult, I scare of it. 

Making choices in life. 

Being fully responsible with your decision. 

Work hard to get money to keep on living. 

Pay debts for my degree, house rent, car loan etc etc.

So I choose to feel and stay young by watching their videos, following their tweets, enjoying their performances. 

Yet, I spent too much time on them that I forgot to work on my own dream, my own life. 

And I feel that my youth is fading...

I don't blame them. 

I feel the happiness, more to guilty pleasure I would say. 

They work so hard on their parts. 

Just remember to work hard on our parts too. 

As an army, I wish to say this to all other armys;

Who spent too much time bickering other fandom and condemning other co-stars in variety show that mistreat the boys,

Who spent too much money on merchandise until they broke,

Who spent too much energy crying and screaming over them, and even pushing them that almost get them hurt (wait, ru really an army?)

Please get a life of yourselves that worth fighting for. 

Bangtan boys are humans, like we are. 

Let them live their lifes, that we could give all the supports, at the same time give time for your own life and work on it. 

May God bless...

Having someone to go to, having someone to love, having both is a blessing that was sent from above. Right, Tae? :)

First Love

Even when I pushed you away
Even when I resented meeting you
You were firmly by my side
You didn’t have to say anything
So don’t ever let go of my hand
I won’t let you go ever again either
My birth and the end of my life
You will be there to watch over it all

It was not a piano.
She's my mom. My first love.
She's crying the most at the moment.
It's raining outside, the sky is crying with her.
My brothers and sisters are talking in the living room. On how they afraid mom is giving up with her life.
She cannot bear the pain anymore.
So she's crying.
And the rain is pouring even harder with her every painful sobbing.

I grabbed her hand then I let it go when my sisters came in.
It has been weeks of me listening to her cries, her pain, her sigh,
I know she's giving in, she want to leave so she will not feel the pain anymore.
While my brothers and sisters are worrying bout her feeling that way.
What do u expect?
She's dying.
Of course it hurts so much.
Why are u complaining now?

For 59 years of her life, 37 years she spent raising her 8 children.
Can't you just be with her now without complaining?

I'm not a good daughter, considering she's my first love.
I spent half of my life living far from her, study at boarding schools then further study abroad.
But i love her...
No matter how much i'm complaining too, inside ny heart.
I love her.

Allah, if leaving is the best for her then please let her go in the best possible way with the least painful she might feel.
But if not, please please save her from this painful disease, cure her, make her happy.
Please..
Save my first love.

Path/Road

Watch >> https://youtu.be/7kC79mA2kMw

With all the awards, success and worldwide recognition bangtan got this year, looking back at their debut days is totally worth.
I mentioned this before, I wasn't an army when they first debuted.
Still I can't help but feel proud with their growth.
From someone who doubt their own selves thinking if would they able make it...if they had the choices to change their path, would they changed it?
The lyrics is one of my favourite along with tomorrow and lost.

Here's the lyrics taken from btsdiary blog (cr.)

It started with Eminem, Garion, Epik High
I exceed imitation I write my own rap then carve them in
Now that I see, I’ve somehow gotten to Hongdae
All of my life savings at the time all (?) the teacher

But We Dunno We Dunno We Dunno
The future allowed no time to breathe and tied me up while I was dreaming
The trap of an abandoned reality
Oh the trap of one’s youth
My fiery heart lost to my cold head

While I had blind faith that my choice was the right one, 
something that I can’t identify as an angel or Satan says
“Wouldn’t you like to rap properly"
Yes No There is no time to hesitate

I, who didn’t want to make an even bigger idiot out of myself,
came to this place and 3 years have since passed
Some say art is long, life is short
But now for me art is life, life is sports
Just do it on

 Countless measures of time has passed and it’s 2013
I remained as trainee for 3 years
Before I knew it, I’ve changed from a high school student to an oversized child

Grey hairs of greed and ambition increase and the many friends I had split off one by one
Lonely without family, I greet my third spring in Seoul alone
I thought my worries will ease with the debut in front of my nose;
I closed my eyes to the present that could not be altered

Reality was different, even when my peers tried to keep me
I walked the lightless tunnels on my own
I thought I was alone but I’ve learned that we are seven.  
No longer barefoot, wearing shoes called Bangtan
We go on forward another step, newer than the last.
Towards the fourth spring we’ll greet in Seoul

 It’s the year 2010, my steps head to Seoul.
I, who started out just loving dance is soon to stand on stage
Until then I combat the many pains and scars and prepare myself
I nurture my notion to bend rather than to break and run for 3 years and ignite the stars in my heart
Now see me anew I carve ‘Bangtan’ into a blank page that means the whole world.
I walk towards my brighter future I put on a smile for the further days.

Would I have changed? 

If I had chosen a different path, if I had stopped and looked back 

What will I get to see? 

At the end of this road, where you would be standing

I used to study engineering for four years

and now I am a teacher for two years

Still there's voice inside me, do you really want to be a teacher for the rest of your life?

I met my high school teacher and he asked me the same and I replied yes I love to teach then he said,

"you never try to be other than teacher, how do u know if u would be happy doing other things or not"

Would I have changed if I had chosen a different path?

What will I get to see if I stopped and looked back?

Where I would be standing at the end of this road called life?

Of course I want a better life to live in, but I dream of having a greater life hereafter 

I have one bigger mission than just a career...

What is your path?

#BEGIN

it was back then, in 2010.

The fifteen-year-old me who had nothing
The world was so big, and I was so small

I was 20 though
the day i stepped on the land of koala
with only a luggage of clothes,
I embarked into a new world I knew very little of..

Now I can't even imagine it
The wholly empty me who had no scent of his her own
I pray

the start of a week
a week of #BLOODSWEAT&TEARS
a week of depression and sadness, longing for my family 3000 miles away
a week of #LOST and painful walk here and there looking for a house to rent and stay
a week full of #LIE every time my #MAMA called, saying that I'm okay, I eat well, I sleep well, I adapt well
a week of having #STIGMA with people around me
am I going to survive?

then I met her
during meet and greet session
the one who save me
she saved me.

Love you my brother sister, I have my hyungs unnie
I developed feelings, I became myself
So I'm me, now I'm me

You make me begin
Smile with me, smile with me

my first year was full of flowers
there's thorns here and there as expected from beautiful roses
yet, all I remember now, as time passed, how we created those memories
travelled to different places
learnt new things
met new friends
so I said to myself, alhamdulillah (all praise to Allah)
I made it through my first year as an international student
I had a good life.

I feel like dying when my hyungs sisters are sad
When my hyungs sisters are hurt, it hurts more than when I am
Brothers Sisters let's cry, cry, let's cry
I don't know sadness, but I just want to cry

Because you made me again

Fly with me
You make me begin
You made me again.

during my sophomore, many challenges arose
study became harder
friendships were torn
conflicts, misunderstood, tears
but the bond between us, those who stayed, became stronger

I got to know myself through her
same goes to her
we managed
after few more years
at last we succeed
to hold that scroll
and beyond that, we learnt even more, about ourselves
I learned to know myself, to be myself
the #REFLECTION of my life.

"Your story may not have such a happy beginning but that does not make you who you are, it is the rest of it - who you choose to be" - Soothsayer, Kungfu Panda 2

lyrics trans cr. @melaninsuga 

Dear No One

it is Tory Kelly song
but listen. Jungkook made me fall in love to the song.
watch here >> https://youtu.be/SF4032XQl4I 
and the lyrics, damn...truthfully speak my heart regarding my future someone :)

I like being independent
Not so much of an investment
No one to tell me what to do
I like being by myself
Don't gotta entertain anybody else
No one to answer to...

But sometimes, I just want somebody to hold
Someone to give me the jacket when it's cold
Got that young love even when we're old
Yeah sometimes, I want someone to grab my hand
Pick me up, pull me close, be my man
I will love you till the end

So if you're out there I swear to be good to you
But I'm done lookin', for my future someone
Cause when the time is right
You'll be here, but for now
Dear no one, this is your love song
Ooo-OhOh

I don't really like big crowds
I tend to shut people out
I like my space, yeah
But I'd love to have a soulmate
And God'll give him to me someday
And I know it'll be worth the wait, oh

So if you're out there I swear to be good to you
But I'm done lookin' (But I'm done lookin'), for my future someone
Cause when the time is right
You'll be here, but for now
Dear no one (Dear nobody) this is your love song (Ooo-Oooh)

Sometimes, I just want somebody to hold
Someone to give me the jacket when it's cold
Got that young love even when we're old
Yeah sometimes, I want someone to grab my hand
Pick me up, pull me close, be my man
I will love you till the end

So if you're out there I swear to be good to you
But I'm done lookin' (I'm done lookin'), for my future someone (Ooo-Yeah)
Cause when the time is right
You'll be here, but for now
Dear no one (Dear Nobody) this is your love song (This is your love song)
Dear no one, no need to be searchin', no
Dear no one...
Dear no one...
Dear No one, this is your love song

cr. azlyrics

Tony Montana

Hey gentleman
wait a minute
You pray for my failure
sorry i have no problem
mo money mo problem

I know, feel like ㅎ tony montana
Success and happiness look alike but they’re different
But I want a bigger success
More wealth and bigger honor
I want the money to chase me but I hope I don’t become the monster chasing only money

I pray
I tell myself I won’t hope for other’s failure
My family and fan, and my team are my top priorities
That’s right, let’s earn money. My grand ambition is quite high
The world is yours now the entire world is in my hand

Because i was too shook and still am with yoonmin stage's tony montana during BTS3rdmuster 

Yoongi's deep voice with melodious high tone's Jimin and his rap damn...that's a gorgeous subunit there 😍

So I put up here the lyrics translation 

My fav line is "I want the money to chase me but I hope I don’t become the monster chasing only money"

He really carefully told his feelings on fame and success and money. While on the stage Jimin sang a line goes like here I am who danced from busan that u used to curse but we went into billboard thrice

Brrrr~~

And why tony montana, not hannah montana or what not?

Please do ur own research on that 😄 But here's the last moment of tony montana life went...

Tony falls from his balcony into a fountain in the lobby below, floating face-down dead in a pool of blood and water beneath a statue of the globe carrying the inscription "The World Is Yours".

And yoongi goes the world is yours now the entire world is in my hand~

Watch yoonmin's tony montana here: https://youtu.be/5tVraTVsZBA

Hold me tight

I empty my drink but it gets filled with loneliness I should’ve just given in, why did I argue all the time? Even the trash bag thrown away on the street Makes a lonely sound in the wind All I did was color you in my white, blank paper But then I realized, it already became a finished picture You and I are like cell phones When we’re apart, you know we’ll be broken Only your scent completes me Hurry and hug me I can only see you I can only see you alone Look, I’m fair with everyone else but you Now I can’t live a day without you, please Hold me tight, hug me Can you trust me, can you trust me can you trust me Pull me in tight Hold me tight, hug me Can you trust me, can you trust me Please, please, please pull me in and hug me You still shine You’re still like a scented flower Now trust me, hold me once again So I can feel you, hold me Without you, I can’t breathe I’m nothing without you Open my closed heart, drench my heart So I can feel you, hold me Your arms, your warmth, your heart I want to see it all, I beg you This moment, even the warm flower scented wind Even the sky without a single cloud Everything feels cold and I’m even scared of the clear sky If you’re not here, I’m just a corpse, so how can I breathe? Your cold face tells me everything rather than words I can see a break up rising over me like a high tide I know it will soon be our last but I can’t let you go Don’t talk, don’t leave just quietly hold me girl Hold me tight, hug me Trust me, trust me, trust me Hold me tight, hug me Can you trust me, can you trust me Please, please, please pull me in and hug me

Cr. Colorcodedlyrics

I was looking at my mom now

She's sleeping soundly

I put my earphone and shuffle my playlist

Hold me tight is playing

And i am crying

She's having operation tomorrow

I wish i could hold her more into my heart

Even looking at her like this, i am thinking of them

The 7 boys who inspired me with lots of happening in my life

However here i am, where my mom needs me the most, my body is there helping her out but my mind is wandering away

Where's my priorities now?

Why am i like this??

I'm fair with everyone else but you

Hold me tight mom, so i can dearly holding you even more...

I'm sorry 😭

#AWAKE

I’m not being faithful
I’m trying to endure
The only thing I can do
Is this

I want to stay
I want to dream a little more
But still
It is time to leave

Yeah it’s my truth
It’s my truth
It’s probably covered in scars
But it’s my fate
It’s my fate
But I want to struggle

Maybe I, I can never fly
Like the flower petals over there
I can’t become like those with wings
Maybe I, I can’t touch the sky
But I want to stretch my arm
I want to run just a little bit more

I am just walking and walking in this darkness
Happy times asked me
If I am really okay
Oh no
I answered, no I am very frightened
But I tightly hold six flowers
And I’m only walking
Oh no

This concludes everything.
It is time to leave...

#REFLECTION

I know 
Every life's a movie
We got different stars and stories
We got different nights and mornings
Our scenarios ain't just boring
I find this movie very amusing
Everyday, I want to shoot it well
I want to caress myself

Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player,
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage.

But you know, sometimes
I really really hate myself
To be honest, quite often,
I really hate myself
When I really hate myself, I go to Dduksum 
I just stand there with the familiar darkness

And then is heard no more; it is a tale told by an idiot full of sound and fury

The world is just another name for despair
My height is just another diameter for the earth
I am all of my joy and anxiety
It repeats everyday.

Signifying nothing.

It was another favourite poem of mine
Life's Brief Candle..

To-morrow, and to-morrow, and to-morrow,

Creeps in this petty pace from day to day

To the last syllable of recorded time,

And all our yesterdays have lighted fools

The way to dusty death. Out, out brief candle!

Life's but a walking shadows, a poor player,

That struts and frets his hour upon the stage,

And then is heard no more; it is a tale

Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,

Signifying nothing.

 William Shakespeare

What have you reflected on your life?
How would you end up dying for?

#LIE

I am still the same person I was before

I am here, the same person I was from before, but

An overgrown lie is trying to swallow me whole

Caught in a lie

Find me when I was pure

I can’t be free from this lie

Give me back my smile

Caught in a lie

Pull me from this hell

I can’t be free from this pain

Save me, I am being punished

In our usrah, she told us; we should acknowledge what we feel, don't say we are okay when we're not.
Don't live in a denial state, cause all we do is buiding up a wall and we're going to bury ourselves within that wall.

So yeah, I'm not okay.

Since Dec 2015, that I became army, I'm not okay.
BTS is the wall I've created.

I caught in a lie...
It is such a pain, but bliss too; a guilty pleasure.

I can't be free.
Sometimes I wish I never know them, or kpop at all.
But sometimes, I'm glad I met them and be inspired with their musics and all...

I want to awake and fly away
But I want to dream more.

Save me.

Because I am being punished.

"Hati yang kotor itu ibarat botol yang berlumpur, tidak kira sebersih mana air yang masuk akhirnya bercampur lumpur takkan ada yang mahu minum. Bersihkan hatimu, jika mahu iman itu masuk ke dalam jiwamu"