End.

The realms of day and night, two different worlds coming from two opposite poles, mingled during this time.

I am not sure what's coming within myself.
Just too sudden, I became so anxious with myself.
What am I doing?

Is it because after I watched them celebrating namjoon's birthday?
Or because after I thought about my own age?

I kept telling myself and my sisters, that I stan BTS because they inspired me.
About youth.
They inspired me to draw again.
They inspired me to write more.
But honestly, in real life, what have I done to show they inspired me to change myself to be a better person?

I am touched with the comments I got to my previous posts.
But slowly the thoughts came into me.
They said they felt inspired by my words, or how BTS really inspired them in life.
But what they mean by their life is their school or college life, their study life.
I ended that period of life years ago.
So again, what have I achieved by stanning them at this age?
How could I move on from this obsession of kpop that I had since I was a teenager?

None.
I cannot find an answer now.
But deep inside, I know...I really should left this fandom.
Not out of hate.
I love ARMY. I love BTS too.
But I guess I should love my life more.
And what I want to achieve more in the future.
And to please Him, I know...I really should had move on long ago.

To my readers, especially those who read solely because of my GA,
I will come again in November and choose the winner, it is a promise I need to keep inshaAllah.
But I guess I would not post anything much further.
It can be just a temporary stop but it could be much longer or forever.

Thank you for reading my blog.
Thank you for opened up your feelings on certain part of your life in this blog.
Thank you for being encouragable and for giving positive words.

I hope, this writings of mine, give some kind of benefit to you in any possible ways.

As my blog related much to my twitter and my instagram, I might be idle for some time for those as well.

Now is a month of Dzulhijjah.
Or could also be known as a month of sacrifice.
Where Abraham was tested by God to sacrifice his son by slaughtering him.
Then Abraham passed the test, his son was safe and we muslims celebrate EidulAdha by slaughtering cows as remembrance of that day.
But very little we take time to ponder on the story.
On how we also have things to sacrifice in life.
In order to be closer to God.
Not physically but within our faith, our belief.
How should we act upon ourselves in doing what's good for us, and what He has been given responsibility on us.

This is my sacrifice.
I'm sorry for being too sudden to stop while still doing my GA.

Until november, please be healthy.
Both ARMY and BTS ❤

I love you all. But i love my deen even more and I wish I could show that love somehow.

Salam. May peace be upon you 😌

#WINGS

I wanted only to try to live in accord with the promptings which came from my true self. Why was that so very difficult? 
Demian: The Story of Emil Sinclair's Youth by Hermann Hesse 

tell me? is there any other idol groups that make the fans go all out reading a philosophy storybook?
none but BTS. i stan the right group.

***

it was a peaceful night. I've got less work to do so I might just sleep early.
11PM. A notification came in, @BTS_twt RT something.
 

#WINGS so the episode #BEGIN where all army are seeking for the truth, all become the next Sherlock Holmes trying to figure out the meaning of this. 

Even the video made me shocked, the horror theme while me watching in the dark.

so yes. my peaceful night ain't peaceful anymore.

but still, I slept soon after.

Woke up in the morning didn't do much help. The feelings were still lingering over me.

Tried to digest some theories but I gave up except I'm interested in reading the book that Namjoon narrated a verse in the video.

So I read. and I shook even more.

this is deep. too deep. make me questioned myself of wanting to read this book at the first place.

That is why every man's story is important, eternal, sacred; that is why every man, as long as he lives and fulfills the will of nature, is wondrous, and worthy of every consideration.

As a person with religion (I am a Muslim), although the book was written by a christian looking at his reference on bible, we have a faith on God and why we humans were created at the first place.

and, we have our soul and our desire that keep on fighting inside ourselves.

The realms of day and night, two different worlds coming from two opposite poles, mingled during this time. 

There's a saying from kdrama Hello Monster/I Remember You that I like;

An elderly indian chief said to a child: In our hearts there are two wolves inside! One wolf is weak. What it has is: anger, jealousy, sadness, regret, vanity, greed, lies, pride, superiority, complexity. The other wolf is a good wolf. What it has is: happiness, love, hope, kindness, mercy, magnanimity, truth, compassion. The wolves always fight inside of us. So the child asked: “Which wolf wins?” The indian chief said: The one you feed.  

I believe every person in this world has their own two worlds.

For me, I have two obvious worlds of myself - online and offline

Before I do not call it as online, it's just inside my head.

sometimes I wrote it in my personal blog, sometimes I just made a drawing out of it, but most of the times I just keep it in myself.

Now that I have BTS and ARMY to channel my feelings online, so I did.

Still, as I expected, it don't bring me to calmness or sorts, it became anxiety, agitated, worry...

because deep inside my heart I know;

Sometimes you just have to take the leap, and build your wings on the way down - Kobi Yamada

I'm going to write more about Demian once I finished read the book.