Sunday, 7 May 2017

May

This is a post to reply for RM's post in fancafe.

How's your May? He asked.

My May is so eventful. Hectic too.
2 weeks had passed since my mom left us.
Since then, i was going out more than staying home.
I looked happier.
I still sad whenever, miss her badly too, everything i look reminds me of her, but she wont be happy if i keep crying over her passed away.

I visited my sisters' houses.
I went for a trip with friends.
Went hiking for two days in a row.
My engagement day is coming soon as well.
Then i'll be back working at school and exam week is approaching means marking papers is piling up too as well as catch up any deadlines since I've been on leave for the past 4 months.

Anyways,
RM words never fail to warm me.
Yes, i'm leaving fangirl world aka the fandom itself but i do sometimes check on them and their activities.
They are afterall a part of my youth :)

Saturday, 22 April 2017

Not today

Because she was a fighter.

No not today
Some day, the flowers will wither
But no not today
But today’s not the day
No no not today
It’s too early to die
Too good day
No no not today

It turned out the cancer spreads to her whole body - blood, bones, ovary, pancreas, kidney, stomach, even there's blood clot in her heart.
But she was indeed a fighter.

My mom.
As a person she was a successful one in every aspect of her life.

She is a muslim, she prays 5 times a day, fasting during ramadhan even last year when she started to be sick she managed to fast for the whole month, she paid her zakah, she went to mecca for hajj once.
As a muslim, she's a good muslim, always spread goodness to others.

She is a daughter and sister, she took care of her dad well until his last breath, she paid for her sister's medication until my aunt died due to diabetes, she helped most of her nephews and nieces to get into nice colleges after highschool since she worked with MARA (education institute)
As a member of her family, she's a great daughter sister aunt for taking care everyone's need as much as she can.

She is a wife, she took very well care of my dad. Sometimes i feel my dad had been spoiled too much. But my mom once said, she wants to go to heaven and one of the way is being a good wife.
As a wife, she really did, being a great woman for my dad.

She is a mother, she raised 8 children with her hands, now all become decent human beings. Eventhough she's busy as career woman, she came to parent-teacher meeting everytime for each of her children. She took care of the household, only had maid once. She even fainted before when we were all kids. She raised us up, brought us to good schools and colleges, 3 out of 8 even able to study overseas - australia, indonesia, UK - because of her hardwork. Taught us how to pass interviews. When we were elementary school kids, she helped us with homeworks. I love to draw but i hate to colour vast area like sky and sea, so she would helped me to colour those, taught me how to colour properly without use too much energy. Over her years working, she saved her money, bought houses for her kids. She even hv so much more in her bank account to spend for her children's future.
As a mom, she is an awesome one, did the most for each of us. Sometimes how ungrateful we were to appreciate her hardwork.

She is a friend, to every person she met throughout her life. We moved a lot, everytime she made new friends, which she keep in touch with most of them. When she sick, her friends during highschools, college, university, workplaces came to visit her, all telling how good friend she was. She even made friend with random person she met. A woman she talked to while queing for toilet in rest area, an old lady she said hi in the bustop...
As a friend, she is an awesome friend.

She was a teacher. She taught math, physics and english once. She taught english for few years after graduated, just like me. Only when she was 35, she became mara educator, taught physics sometimes math, from MRSM beseri then mara college kulim, then mara college banting, later kktm bandar penawar then back to kmb before she stopped being a teacher as profession and became mara officer instead at mara main quorters in kuala lumpur. Before she resigned at the age of 58.
As a teacher, she was great kind hearted one. Always loved by so many. Her students called her ummi. I remembered as kid, i was jealous when so many called her ummi while she's my mom. How dare them >.<
When she sicks, all her students from different batches came visit one after another. The reason why i chose to stay as a teacher, as long as possible...

Watching over her, until her last breath, i want to thank God for letting me be her daughter. Someone who doing so great in her life. Thank you for sending us an angel in a form of a mother, taking care after us all this while. Thank you.

My mom passed away on 23rd April at 8.54PM Al-Fatihah...
Until we meet again mom, in heaven.

For every wishes and prayers, and kind words. Thank you ♡ may God bless all of you...









Tuesday, 18 April 2017

Final confession

I never know, being a kpop fan, could be this deep.

I'm "budak usrah"
Only those ever encounter being budak usrah would understand what i'm going to say in this paragraph.
Not just a mere member of usrah group, but i was a naqibah. The one who lead, who preach. If they know what i'm doing now or what i was doing all these time, they might hate me for sure.
But why i should scared of their judgement when i believe He knows. All these time, He watch over me, sinning.
Allah who The Most Forgiving yet I take it for granted. Feeling that i'll be forgiven when in fact most of the time i'm too scared to even ask for forgiveness knowing how much i keep myself sinning, again and again.
I stopped kpop for 3 years while being overseas cause i was busy, with study and religious programme.
But once I reached home for good, i wasnt becoming a better me.

As a casual fan, i met BTS.
And i never know, being a kpop fan, could be this deep.
I never into fandom before army, even i was just a soft stan and prevent myself from childish fanwar or drama within fandom as much as possible.
I'm, afterall, a grown up lady.
But after meeting few armys in real life, making friends out of mutuals even most of them are younger than me, makes me happy.
BTS too, they make me happy.

So why are u leaving twitter?
Because i keep on sinning.

Spending money on merchandise where I could use the money for better use.
Reading fanfiction, gay smut, once a big no-no for me but slowly i enjoyed it, which scares me the most.
Spending time on twitter most of the time which i could use that time to read more books like namjoon did, or memorize more verses of quran, or just anything other than this.
Thinking bout BTS and armys, even sometimes disturb my concentration while praying, is a big sin already.
To balance being a good muslim while on stan twitter, is a disaster. It never meant to be together.

Islam and jahiliyah are never meant to be together.

So i'm leaving, hoping for better days.
Hoping for a better me.

Sincerely,
An army, was.

**To those who actually take me as real friend, not just a twitter mutual, can keep in touch with me with my private acc @hana_zul26 but i may only follow u back with ur private acc as well, not kpop stan acc 😊

**And my final confession comes along with my final giveaway, for malaysians army only, for my final album that i have from my collection. So at least i can make another person happy. Read my other posts too. At least i can spread more good words to more people. At least that. I hope i could. Inspire. Myself.

Thank you. For everything.