Lost.mp3

i wrote this on January but never post it
the emotion i put while writing this is still exist though
after 7 months, i'm still...lost

This is going to be my long ass rant post

Random cause i dun care anymore...

I quit my job, although it may sound as one year unpaid leave, in my mind i decide to find different job

At the moment i'm still looking for alternative of what I should do

What i want to spend my life 

I love teaching i really do

But nowaday I feel weak, and hopeless and unworthy to be a teacher

We teachers need to remind our kids on how to behave, how to be a good servant of Allah

But behind those talk, i am a pathetic noona fan of kpop

It might not the biggest sin but doing these behind the scene already make me such a loser

So i quit, with the excuse of taking care of my mom but instead i want to take care of myself

I want to reconcile and reorganize everything.

The mess i've been made since 2014

I used to study abroad and there i learned more bout my religion 

I learned on the purpose of life, meaning of Quran

Until now i can still revise those talks, knowledge bout my deen, which verses of quran talking bout this and that

But the fact it is now become nothing but knowledge disgust me 

I dun feel the feelings i felt back then

The feelings of proud muslim

I choose this

Proud, work hard to achieve our dream

Now what i called myself, proud ARMY? 

Behind those status in twitter, all those fangirl words and statements

Lmao, lol, emoticons that nothing real

I was typing away emotionless

Who cares

Who knows

It just a place to pull me away from reality

For my real life i've been swaying myself

Dun know how to navigate on what best for me

Marriage, career and those whole matter of life

I am old

But i am still a child inside

Not knowing 

Not wanting

Life is too short to not having dream 

Yes bts, the one who make into this deep shit of fandom, fanart, fanfic and all f out there

I dun blame them

Most part of me is happy i get to know them, their musics, their meanings of wanting to spread positivity in life through their musics

But other part of me is in total vain and pain

I'm scared

Too scare

I'm lost, total lost so save me 

God, save me...

Now i'm a bit free not having a job, thinking  i can hv time to navigate my life better, i keep myself fangirling

Like waeee what i want

Ottoke how to leave

I tried, many times, to stop

Uninstall unnnecessary apps, deactivate but after few days i'm back 

Same

Same since 2010

I thought i can leave kpop or any dunya entertainment worldly bs but

I didnt

I never leave

Instead i made a mask

Wearing that mask, living double life

My family is the only ones know bout me having these

But they cant say anything to change me

I know too..

It's mine to decide

Like how the hell u expect ppl to change u when u within never want it to change

Suddenly the person who suppose to take care of my teaching duty while i have my leave want to quit coz she got new job

Then what am i supposed to do

I'm still not done the puzzle

Collect all the things i was breaking myself into

U want me to come back and teach

No

I cant

Not now

Not near in future

I'm sick

Like my mom

I'm sick too

Emotionally

Spiritually

The funny thing is i know

I know how to heal but yet i fill the emptiness with more fangirling

Forever, it wont heal

That sometimes i wish i would just lost my memories and start fresh

From all the mess

I am building in

Sigh...

my mom peacefully passed away now
i wish that God granted her jannah
but i'm here, still sick 
and
lost.

May

This is a post to reply for RM's post in fancafe.

How's your May? He asked.

My May is so eventful. Hectic too.
2 weeks had passed since my mom left us.
Since then, i was going out more than staying home.
I looked happier.
I still sad whenever, miss her badly too, everything i look reminds me of her, but she wont be happy if i keep crying over her passed away.

I visited my sisters' houses.
I went for a trip with friends.
Went hiking for two days in a row.
My engagement day is coming soon as well.
Then i'll be back working at school and exam week is approaching means marking papers is piling up too as well as catch up any deadlines since I've been on leave for the past 4 months.

Anyways,
RM words never fail to warm me.
Yes, i'm leaving fangirl world aka the fandom itself but i do sometimes check on them and their activities.
They are afterall a part of my youth :)

Not today

Because she was a fighter.

No not today
Some day, the flowers will wither
But no not today
But today’s not the day
No no not today
It’s too early to die
Too good day
No no not today

It turned out the cancer spreads to her whole body - blood, bones, ovary, pancreas, kidney, stomach, even there's blood clot in her heart.
But she was indeed a fighter.

My mom.
As a person she was a successful one in every aspect of her life.

She is a muslim, she prays 5 times a day, fasting during ramadhan even last year when she started to be sick she managed to fast for the whole month, she paid her zakah, she went to mecca for hajj once.
As a muslim, she's a good muslim, always spread goodness to others.

She is a daughter and sister, she took care of her dad well until his last breath, she paid for her sister's medication until my aunt died due to diabetes, she helped most of her nephews and nieces to get into nice colleges after highschool since she worked with MARA (education institute)
As a member of her family, she's a great daughter sister aunt for taking care everyone's need as much as she can.

She is a wife, she took very well care of my dad. Sometimes i feel my dad had been spoiled too much. But my mom once said, she wants to go to heaven and one of the way is being a good wife.
As a wife, she really did, being a great woman for my dad.

She is a mother, she raised 8 children with her hands, now all become decent human beings. Eventhough she's busy as career woman, she came to parent-teacher meeting everytime for each of her children. She took care of the household, only had maid once. She even fainted before when we were all kids. She raised us up, brought us to good schools and colleges, 3 out of 8 even able to study overseas - australia, indonesia, UK - because of her hardwork. Taught us how to pass interviews. When we were elementary school kids, she helped us with homeworks. I love to draw but i hate to colour vast area like sky and sea, so she would helped me to colour those, taught me how to colour properly without use too much energy. Over her years working, she saved her money, bought houses for her kids. She even hv so much more in her bank account to spend for her children's future.
As a mom, she is an awesome one, did the most for each of us. Sometimes how ungrateful we were to appreciate her hardwork.

She is a friend, to every person she met throughout her life. We moved a lot, everytime she made new friends, which she keep in touch with most of them. When she sick, her friends during highschools, college, university, workplaces came to visit her, all telling how good friend she was. She even made friend with random person she met. A woman she talked to while queing for toilet in rest area, an old lady she said hi in the bustop...
As a friend, she is an awesome friend.

She was a teacher. She taught math, physics and english once. She taught english for few years after graduated, just like me. Only when she was 35, she became mara educator, taught physics sometimes math, from MRSM beseri then mara college kulim, then mara college banting, later kktm bandar penawar then back to kmb before she stopped being a teacher as profession and became mara officer instead at mara main quorters in kuala lumpur. Before she resigned at the age of 58.
As a teacher, she was great kind hearted one. Always loved by so many. Her students called her ummi. I remembered as kid, i was jealous when so many called her ummi while she's my mom. How dare them >.<
When she sicks, all her students from different batches came visit one after another. The reason why i chose to stay as a teacher, as long as possible...

Watching over her, until her last breath, i want to thank God for letting me be her daughter. Someone who doing so great in her life. Thank you for sending us an angel in a form of a mother, taking care after us all this while. Thank you.

My mom passed away on 23rd April at 8.54PM Al-Fatihah...
Until we meet again mom, in heaven.

For every wishes and prayers, and kind words. Thank you ♡ may God bless all of you...