the emotion i put while writing this is still exist though
after 7 months, i'm still...lost
This is going to be my long ass rant post
Random cause i dun care anymore...
I quit my job, although it may sound as one year unpaid leave, in my mind i decide to find different job
At the moment i'm still looking for alternative of what I should do
What i want to spend my life
I love teaching i really do
But nowaday I feel weak, and hopeless and unworthy to be a teacher
We teachers need to remind our kids on how to behave, how to be a good servant of Allah
But behind those talk, i am a pathetic noona fan of kpop
It might not the biggest sin but doing these behind the scene already make me such a loser
So i quit, with the excuse of taking care of my mom but instead i want to take care of myself
I want to reconcile and reorganize everything.
The mess i've been made since 2014
I used to study abroad and there i learned more bout my religion
I learned on the purpose of life, meaning of Quran
Until now i can still revise those talks, knowledge bout my deen, which verses of quran talking bout this and that
But the fact it is now become nothing but knowledge disgust me
I dun feel the feelings i felt back then
The feelings of proud muslim
I choose this
Proud, work hard to achieve our dream
Now what i called myself, proud ARMY?
Behind those status in twitter, all those fangirl words and statements
Lmao, lol, emoticons that nothing real
I was typing away emotionless
Who cares
Who knows
It just a place to pull me away from reality
For my real life i've been swaying myself
Dun know how to navigate on what best for me
Marriage, career and those whole matter of life
I am old
But i am still a child inside
Not knowing
Not wanting
Life is too short to not having dream
Yes bts, the one who make into this deep shit of fandom, fanart, fanfic and all f out there
I dun blame them
Most part of me is happy i get to know them, their musics, their meanings of wanting to spread positivity in life through their musics
But other part of me is in total vain and pain
I'm scared
Too scare
I'm lost, total lost so save me
God, save me...
Now i'm a bit free not having a job, thinking i can hv time to navigate my life better, i keep myself fangirling
Like waeee what i want
Ottoke how to leave
I tried, many times, to stop
Uninstall unnnecessary apps, deactivate but after few days i'm back
Same
Same since 2010
I thought i can leave kpop or any dunya entertainment worldly bs but
I didnt
I never leave
Instead i made a mask
Wearing that mask, living double life
My family is the only ones know bout me having these
But they cant say anything to change me
I know too..
It's mine to decide
Like how the hell u expect ppl to change u when u within never want it to change
Suddenly the person who suppose to take care of my teaching duty while i have my leave want to quit coz she got new job
Then what am i supposed to do
I'm still not done the puzzle
Collect all the things i was breaking myself into
U want me to come back and teach
No
I cant
Not now
Not near in future
I'm sick
Like my mom
I'm sick too
Emotionally
Spiritually
The funny thing is i know
I know how to heal but yet i fill the emptiness with more fangirling
Forever, it wont heal
That sometimes i wish i would just lost my memories and start fresh
From all the mess
I am building in
Sigh...
my mom peacefully passed away now
i wish that God granted her jannah
but i'm here, still sick
and
lost.
my mom peacefully passed away now
i wish that God granted her jannah
but i'm here, still sick
and
lost.
