#LOST

I'm still standing here with my eyes closed

Lost between the deserts and oceans
I'm still wandering
Where should I go?

I didn’t know there were this many
Paths I can’t go and paths I can’t take
I never felt this way before
Am I becoming an adult?

This is too hard,
is this path right for me
I am confused
Never leave me alone
I still believe even though it’s unbelievable
To lose your path
Is the way to find that path

Lost my way
Constantly pushing without rest within the harsh rainstorms
Lost my way
Within a complicated world without an exit
Lost my way
Lost my way
No matter how much I wander, I want to believe in my path

I once saw an ant going somewhere
There is no way to find the path at once
Constantly crashing and crawling forward
To find something to eat, roaming for days
You know
There is a reason for all this frustration
I believe that we’re on the right path
If we ever find it
We will return home at once just like an ant

So long
Goodbye to my hope with no promise
So long
Even if I’m slow I will walk with my own feet
Because I know this path is mine to take
Even if I go back, I will reach this path eventually
I never I will never
I will never lose my dream

Lost my way
Found my way
Lost my way
Found my way

cr. kpopviral 

This song is now my favourite song in WINGS
The lyrics brought Tomorrow vibe and the melody is beautifully eargasm, just stunning!


And it make me remember that old poem by robert frost...

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,

And sorry I could not travel both

And be one traveler, long I stood

And looked down one as far as I could

To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,

And having perhaps the better claim,

Because it was grassy and wanted wear;

Though as for that the passing there

Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay

In leaves no step had trodden black.

Oh, I kept the first for another day!

Yet knowing how way leads on to way,

I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.

Make a life. It's your choice, our choice ;)

#MAMA

You had me feel the world
The breath you have created
Today more than usual
I want to be held in your arms
What is higher than anything above the ground
What is wider than anything beneath the sky
The only one, mother’s hand is medicine hand
You are forever my placebo

I love mom

Whenever I listen to songs like this
you raise me up
number 1 for me - maher zain
and many more songs about mother, how she changed your world

i feel small.
i'm not a good daughter
not becoming great person career-wise
or rich to support my mom

now she's sick
i'm taking care of her, but sadly i still make her sad at times
different opinion makes into misunderstanding and fight over trivial things
be patient, that's what people keep saying to you
easier said than done

she keep saying she loves me
i love her too, but i can't say it with honesty
for me, without pure intention and action, saying i love you will sound so fake

but still i said it, afraid i might never ever get the chance to utter that words again to her

ma,
please be healthy soon
Allah,
give her healthiness and calmness to get through her sickness

get well soon, ma
i love you, i really do :'(


your forever childish daughter,
Hana

#STIGMA

to you my brothers and sisters, who will never read my blog or know this side of me... 

I’m sorry, I’m sorry,

I’m sorry ma brother

No matter how much I hide it and cover it up, it doesn’t go away

“Are you calling me a sinner?”

What else can I say 

because i was annoyed, whenever you guys talked about this and that

giving opinion, but trying to enforce on others 

while you guys just talked, maybe with little to no action

when i tried to speak up my opinion, you guys blame me of being a preacher

little experience or knowledge of some sorts

so am I a sinner? 

I’m sorry, I’m sorry,

I’m sorry ma sister

No matter how much I hide it and cover it up, it doesn’t go away

So cry

Please dry my eyes

because i was mad, whenever you girls showed your concern through words

but can never change the fact you are married and hv someone else to take care of

when you girls started having secrets between you and your partner 

while me as your own family member was left out

so should i just watch and cry?

growing up and apart;

when my brothers and sisters are all married couple

have more commitments, less time together

when i said, i miss you and our moments together

you start asking me to plan a trip together

i miss you, but it won't change the fact you are not the same anymore

and those moments would never ever be the same again

i'm sorry my brothers

i'm sorry my sisters

i'm blaming myself now

cause i will never understand myself what you've been through

and please,

don't burden me 

cause you will never understand what i've been through

i love you, still...

forever your sister,

Hana

[BTS fanfic] Love me, not (6)

Back to Love me, not (1)

<< Love me, not (5)

Jin made omelette that morning.
She sat at the end of the table.
Jimin, Jungkook and Hobie already sat down like nestlings waiting for mama bird to feed them.
She smiled, they were so cute.
Namjoon casually sat beside her.

Yoongi came and put a mug of coffee in front of her.
She blushed that Namjoon teased,"he must be your bias after all" making her blushed even more.
Yoongi sat at the other end though, not even once looking at her
Swag king, she thought timidly while smiling...

"Let's eat!!" Jin shouted and they were eating comfortably, except her legs begun to fidget.

"Are you working, noona?" Namjoon started the conversation, making it less awkward.
"I'm a teacher."
Woaaa the others started to join in.
The conversations got deeper, they started talking about what they want to achieve in life and what is their purpose of life and so on.

Yoongi looked at her with full admiration.
A grown up lady, with responsibilities in life as daughter who took care of her stage-4 cancer mother, a teacher who teach the kids and a sister of two younger brothers.

"But when it comes to BTS, I am a 16 years old fangirl"
They laughed.

***

I'm not going to the concert. Sorry... 10.20AM
Why not? You don't get the ticket? :( 10.27AM
Yeah. Have fun! You guys are going to be great, as always :) 10.29AM
..
Hey, I got staff pass. You can go to the rear entrance, I will ask our manager to give it to you. 12.08PM

It was 1PM, 7 hours before the concert started. 

"Ma, can I go out tonight?"

"Where to?"

"mmm...concert"

I was nervous, actually expecting her answer as no.

I never go to any concert, especially not kpop concert.

My mom not against my fond towards kpop but she's neither support it.

"You're grown up woman Hana, do what you feel right. Don't live you life regretting things later"

"Ma..." T_T

***

I was walking here and there until I found a door to the concert venue.

I stood there the whole time, watching their performances.

During vocal line performance, suddenly someone tapped my shoulder.

I turned my head, and there he was...as stunning as ever.

Black-haired Yoongi.

"H-hi.." I was trembling for sure.

He slightly hold my elbow and gave a gesture to follow him.

We walked pass the first level alley, went 2 level upstairs, into a spectator room.

"Stay here" and he went off.

I was dumbfounded.

Then a text came in,

It's me Yoongi. Sorry I used Namjoon's name before.

After vocal line, the rap line performed Cypher 4

Then it was Yoongi solo stage, with a piano

he started singing First Love...

towards the end of the song, he sang

geu modeun geol jikyeobol neoil tenikka *breath* *breath*

he stopped,

he looked up.

eventhough it was more than 100m away between me and the stage, 

deep down I knew, he looked at me...

he then started singing in english

even when I pushed you away

even when I resented meeting you

you were firmly by my side

you didn't have to say anything

so don't ever let go of my hand

I won't let you go ever again either

I can't hold it anymore, tears were falling over both my cheeks 

He sang the song to the end, then said while looking at the camera

"Will you be my girlfriend?"

The crowd went crazy screaming...

'caught in a lie~' my phone suddenly started ringing 

my brother talked in a harsh tone, "go back now, ma admitted to hospital"

I'm not sure if it's my imagination but I could listened to a thunderstorm, break through my heart.

I left the stadium.

The concert ended.

Yoongi rushed upstairs after the group photo, saying that he needed to go to the toilet.

He entered the room, empty.

He was about to turn around but saw something on the table.

The staff pass, and a note.

I'll always be your ARMY.Thank you. -Hana 

He tried to call me later but no answer.

That night, he got a text from me

Before the concert, my mom said to me to live my life the way I wanted with no regret. But she don't make it tonight in the hospital. I can't help but regret to not stay with her.
Thank you BTS for being a part of my youth.
And now I want to move on.
Love me, not.
May you find success in everything you do and may all your treasured dreams come true.
Good bye.

::The END::

ps. Thank you to those who read from beginning to end. it's my first fanfiction, it's kinda boring but i still love how it turned out this way even though i changed the storyline many times. Thank you again. I love you fam <3

Until my next fanfic, adios amigos ;)

[BTS fanfic] Love me, not (5)

<< Love me, not (4)


It was 2AM.
Jungkook was giving her a piggyback to their dorm.
Jin walked beside him while looked around making sure no one were watching them since they dropped off.
They took a taxi from Hongdae.

Jin opened their dorm's door.
To his surprise, Joon and Jimin were standing at the entrance.

"Where the hell are you going, hyung? Do you see Jungkook? You both not even picking up your f***ing phone!" Joon was obviously worrying pissed off while Jimin looked so worried.
Then they both became silence when they saw Jungkook with her.

"What's going on?" Jimin asked.
"Joon-hyung, let me use our room. I'll use my bed" Jungkook said and walked straight to their room.
Jin later explained the situation. Tae who slept on the couch in the living room was awake now and eavesdropped their conversation. Same goes to Yoongi from his room. Hoseok was sleeping soundly.
Jungkook came out from the room and fell himself on Tae.

"Yahhh" Tae screamed in pain then pulled himself off the couch.
"I'm tired" Jungkook said with his eyes closed.

"Let's all sleep here tonight. I don't want to wake Yoongi up" Jin said. He afraid his roomate might woke up if he went into the room now.
Jimin laid down beside Jungkook and hugged him tight. Tae slapped Jimin's head and forced him to sleep in their room.
Joon and Jin took a seat and dozed off in sitting position.

The night passed.

***

"You're awake?" Joon asked politely. I always love to hear whenever he speak English in their videos.
Now listened he said it personally, I was pretty sure I blushed.
"You look red. Are you hurt?"
I put my hands on both my cheeks. I cannot look straight to their faces.
"Aniya. Gwenchana."

Then I realized I wasn't wear my scarf I started panicking.
Jin seemed to know what's going on he immediately pulled my scarf on the chair and gave it to me.
"Ahh...sorry," Joon turned his face from me.
I was blushing even more, wore my scarf and pulled the blanket up to my nose.
"What's happened?" I mumbled.
The door snapped open, Tae jerked his head inside.
"Morning noona. I told you, you should just stay... see you later."
Tae soon left for his acting schedule.

That morning passed very fast.
I had had a light breakfast with all of them but Tae, Joon explained the situation last night, later they dropped me by at the train station before they went to the bighit studio for their routine practices.

Here I was, in the airport one day later, waiting for my flight
It was a hectic week and now thinking back, I was very glad for the chance
to come here
to meet them
personally.

beep beep
a text came in,

Noona, please come again. have a safe flight. I love you.

it came from unknown number
I immediately believed it was one of them
someone must took my number while I was sleeping
but who?
so I replied,

Thank you. Who's this?

no reply.
even after few months passed since then,
there's no reply.
I was back to my daily routine, they were done promoting their new album in Korea and started their world tour.

***

I met them again
by wearing staff's tag, I stood near an entrance watching them perform on stage
it was incredible. at last, I was able to be there in their concert
since I came back from to Korea last year, I started to withdraw myself from the fandom
too busy with work and just coming back from Mecca, it felt wrong to be a fangirl again
one year passed means one year older, I guess it's my time to stop.
9 years as kpop fan and 2 years as ARMY, I barely managed to stop myself.

even after knowing BTS came to Malaysia, I don't have time to fight over the ticket which sold out very fast..
but then I got a text from that number the day before the concert,

Hi. I miss you. Do you come to the concert? Let's meet again. It's Namjoon here :)

Love me, not (6) >>

  

Cypher pt 4

I’m sorry bae because I’m breathing
I’m sorry bae because I’m so healthy
I’m sorry bae I’m broadcasting
Errthing errthing errthing
Sorry bae
The sound I’m making right now, bae
Is all dog noise to someone, bae
You should change your bashing pattern, bae
It’ll start to get boring, boring bae
I don’t dislike you anymore
I don’t dislike you anymore, sorry bae
I’ll be the drum, just hit me hard
Let’s just try it, samulnori, bae
I’m a monster, my tail is too long, bae
You’ll shoot me anyway, bae
In that case, a zoo would be more comfortable, bae
You want it too, something to chew on, bae
Even if you don’t like me, you know me
Even if you don’t like me, you know me
I like hate comments more than no comments
I don’t know you
But you know my name
I love I love I love myself
I love I love I love myself
I know I know I know myself
Ya playa haters you should love yourself
Brr

Ya playa haters you should love yourself

Tbh cypher is never be my favourite songs
no offense, it just me who not a hiphop lover
why love BTS, because they're more than just hiphop 

but cypher pt 4 is the only cypher I could listen to with such contentment 
especially during rapmon's part
i'm not into fanwar cause when it comes to war, no one win...it just 2 immature people condemn each other
but if someone dissing BTS, calling them with bad names, drag them low etc, i am mad
not reply anything though, just mad by myself
and feeling like put this lyrics of rapmon's part on their face

Ya playa haters you should love yourself
  
"Keep away from people who belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great." --Mark Twain

Blood, Sweat and Tears

The 7 Deadly Sins

I can't reject it anyway

I can't even escape anymore

You are too sweet, too sweet

My blood sweat and tears

The mv itself is sinful enough

And someone said about the 7 deadly sins according to bible 

Greed

Sloth

Lust

Gluttony

Wrath

Envy

And worst of all, pride.

I'm a muslim.

I know very little of christianity

So I'm sorry if my readers, who i believe came from different races and religions, not agree with what I'm about to write

It is only my opinion

Who still, as a muslim, lacking in so many ways

I'm learning too, still learning and will always be.

Boy meets evil

How a person meets his own temptations

As a way of growing up

So those 7 deadly sins mentioned in the bible are not against islam

They are charateristics of a person can has, or could also be one person's intention based on his emotions 

Greed 

Excessive pursuit of material possession

Big houses, big cars and big rings
Worldly material that seems to never get enough
Being rich is not a sin
We are encouraged to work hard to achieve our dream, to fulfil our needs
But when the desire become strong enough that a person don't care about good or bad as long as he get the wealth, even he needs to destroy others to that matter, that's when things are going wrong
The evil wins.

Here a video that I love to watch regarding this matter: https://youtu.be/nFbhutAJHhI

Sloth

Excessive laziness or failure to act and utilize one's potential

Shows by jungkook in the mv, the way he swings and lays down on bed looking on the ceiling not doing anything 

Well, this is something I usually become
Especially on weekend
Although it heavily mentioned in the holy Quran;
'By the time. Verilyn man is in loss' [Al-Asr':1-2]
I usually say to my kids,"if you are lazy, I can't help you. Only if you are willing to learn then I'll be able to help you"
Sometimes, it is easier to say than done
Let's work harder!

Lust

Uncontrollable passion or longing, especially for sexual desires

I'm not married yet, can't say much on this
Moving on >_<

Gluttony

Excessive ongoing consumption of food or drink

Shows by rapmonster in the mv, the way he drinks and smokes and sings about food

Nowadays eating is not just to fill your stomach but more to luxurious means
Food porn, they said
Taking pictures before eat, dine out in expensive restaurant or hipster cafe, buffet style and so on
A question for us to ponder,"do you eat to live or live to eat?" ;)

Wrath

Uncontrollable feelings of anger and hate towards another person

Shows by jhope in the mv, the way he sings his part and shooting arrows
This may lead to murder in extreme cases
Even here in Malaysia, there's always murder cases on news frontpage due to hatred and jealousy
When emotions take over your rationality, it hurts...

Envy

Desire to have or experience that someone else possesses
Jealousy or hasad is a disease of the heart
In fact the first sin that was ever committed
When Allah said to the angels to bow down to Adam, Iblis (devil) refused because he was jealous to the honor that God gave to Adam
The devil said to God, "This one whom you have honored above me, if You give me respite to the Day of Judgment, I shall surely bring his descendants under my sway, all but a few" (Sura Al-Isra' verse 62)

Islam allows competition in goodness where people try to excel ad do things better, but without getting involved in hatred and jealousy and without wishing bad things for others
Why this make me think of the fanwars that are going on non stop in twitter
Like seriously...

The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said,“Do not be jealous of each other, do not boycott each other, do not hate each other, do not contrive against each other. Be all of you brothers to each other, O Servants of Allah.”

Pride

Excessive view of one's self without regard to others

Shows by Jin in the mv, at the end of the mv where he looks at the flower called narcisst and then he turns his face to the mirror and his face cracks
It's Jin, you know..the most confident man regarding his beauty :p
I mean, pride is good with the thing you believe in
Like I have pride about islam
No matter how sinful I became I believe islam is the best way of life
Just don't hate
That view of one self doesn't give us the right to drag others down
That pride, hold it for what really matters.

Now as I just learned there's hadith about 7 deadly sins in islam
So I better share it as well...

Narrated Abu-Huraira (may Allah be pleased with him); ‘The Prophet (SAWS) said: “Avoid the seven great destructive sins.” The people enquired; ‘O Allah’s Messenger! What are they?’ The Prophet (SAWS) said: To join others in worship along with Allah, to practise sorcery, to kill the life that Allah has forbidden except for a just cause (according to Islamic law), to eat up usury, to eat up the orphan’s wealth, to show one’s back to the enemy and fleeing from the battlefield at the time of fighting, and to accuse the chaste women, who never even think of anything touching chastity and are good believers.” (Bukhari).

7 deadly sins according to islam

The christians' 7DS focus on individual characteristics

While islam focus on how to protect islamic society as a whole

Watch this video if you want to learn more about this: https://youtu.be/OXa80iqZQqI
The video is the reason I wrote this post

Fuhhh why all this big talks on religion?
It is great, BTS did it again! They inspired us to learn more than our comfort zone

And Lumpen, the mv director, for being all artsy with these concepts

I am afraid at first, the concept is too deep and sinful for me but then I started to read

I used to think learning other's religion would shaken my faith

But instead, it strengthen up! Make me say I am a proud muslim.

Even I'm not a good muslim myself yet, but at least I would not just saying I am muslim because my parents are muslims too

I am muslim because I choose to be muslim, as a way of life.

Temptations are always there chasing you down
Like how the 7 boys make my life upside down
But still
Utilize them for our own good and not the other way around
Keep fighting!