If I Ruled The World

If I ruled the world, sometimes, I dream
If I ruled the world, first I’ll hire a real estate agent
And buy a house to live in with my family
Yes, next I’ll awaken my savings and buy a four-wheel drive, put in some gas
Even if it’s too much, I’ll get it with zero-interest discount
Stocks and gambling, I don’t wanna do things like that
I rule the world so why would I dream small?
Don’t ask me that because I still want to do music with my BTS family
I will become the Kim Jung Eun of the hip-hop world
And put a ban on everything but our music
I know it’s an unreasonable dream but it’s my dream, don’t make fun of me


For me, if I ruled the world...I will have a private plane and make me accessible to go to anywhere on earth.
Cause travel is always be the number one thing I ever want to do for the rest of my life.
Although now it is hard to travel due to money and free time, it is not a sin to dream and being to places in my dreams ;)
gwageoe cheoreom...

For the past twenty-something years of my life

I'd been to 8 countries - Malaysia, Australia, Singapore, Indonesia, UK, Japan, Korea, France

Alhamdulillah (all praise to Allah)

:)

[BTS fanfic] Love me, not (4)

<< Love me, not (3)

Without me realized, I was standing on the busy street of Hongdae.
Everything happened so far seemed like a dream.

So far away, if I had a dream, if only I had a flying dream

So far away by AgustD can be heard from nearby karaoke premise.
Like a background sound to my cold heart.
It was 3°C and i'd been spending hours outside. My heart froze in a way everything around me seemed surreal.

I went into the karaoke shop and started making payment for one person deal.
I started singing Hold Me Tight with all my heart.
I sang two more BTS songs with mispelled lyrics. I cant read hangul in the screen nor i remembered their lyrics.

I almost made myself into tears when suddenly two men came into the room.
They spoke in korean.

"Sorry i don't speak korean"
"Ahh"

Then one of the men sprayed something on my face. I was shocked but within seconds it was all blurred away.
The last things I heard before I passed out were a loud thump and someone's scream. A familiar voice.

***

(In korean)
"I'm sorry hyung. I don't mean to bring any harm. It just I promised to her before. And I believed her."
Sigh.
"My bad. I'm just too paranoid. We never know her though."

Hoseok smiled. It was only a minute after she went out with Joon and Jimin.
Now Yoongi and Tae were all good.
They had been together for more than 3 years, nothing could broke them apart so easily.

Suddenly Jin came out from his room, still fully dressed.

"I want to take some air."

Hoseok, Tae, Yoongi and Jungkook just looked at Jin dashed out to the front door without a word.

One. Two. Three.

"I want to go out too" said Jungkook.

Hoseok shrugged his shoulder to Tae who gave him a what's-going-on look.

"I'm sleepy. Good night." Yoongi went into his room.

Hoseok also went into his room while Tae lied down on the couch. Within minutes, he was already in the dreamland.

Jin was few metres away from Jimin and Joon. He was curious with her.
A girl with hijab, refuse to shake his hand, since then he searched about muslim on the web.
He came across to many islamophobia articles that shook him.
When Tae said about his promise to meet her, Jin felt weird and insecure, yet he wanted to meet her again and asking questions.
He can't say much knowing he don't speak English.
After came into the dorm he went straight into his room but when Yoongi argued with Tae, he only looked through the slightly open door.
Then he chose to follow them out.
Even after she farewell with them, Jin still followed her until they reached Hongdae.
Without Jin knowing that Jungkook was behind him all the times.

Jin later saw the two men went into the karoake room and started panicking.
He turned around and saw someone with black snapback and black shirt marched passed him to the room.

Jungkook slamed the door, hard.
"Yahh"

***

The next thing I remembered I was lying on a bed. The room was a bit messy and I saw a lot of plushies.
My head was still feeling dizzy.
Then the door was opened from outside.
Joon entered the room with towel on his hand followed by Jin with a cup.

What?
Namjin?

Love me, not (5) >>

Give It To Me

I’m still not sure about the secret to success but I think I know the secret to failure
The secret is to play the fool just like you and keep blabbing your mouth but I wouldn’t live like that even if I had to die

I can’t live like a dog when I’m born to be a tiger - AgustD (Give it to me)

Because min yoongi is my bias so i appreciated his mixtape as much
Although i hate cursing so i cut that part out
But the rest, the way he opened up his feelings into the songs - i respected you Agust D :)

The Last

I don't even know my own self, so who can know me? -AgustD

That one verse speaks up my feelings.
With things that I can't explain myself while others were expecting me to tell the truth.

16.08.16
The day Suga dropped his mixtape.
Armys were dying to the fire he lits up.
For me, that day was one year anniversary of my broken engagement.
I was engaged on that date one year ago.
He later broke the engagement on december due to his disease that no one knows but his close family and me.
He just knew about the disease and chose to break the engagement.
I understood his reason and i respected him for that.
I cannot imagine myself of marrying him either.
He told me bout the disease, no he didnt, his sister told me on early december.
But he kept me hanging for couple weeks until his family came and returned the ring.

During that few weeks, i was devastated to be honest.
I can't even tell my family why he decided to break up.
My family blamed him for being disrespectful and irresponsible.
The marriage should be taken in two months, I already booked the catering, done marriage course as well as hiv test, i almost print the wedding invitation cards.

Still, i don't blame him.
I don't really know him, we met through my mom's friend.
So i dun have heart broken feelings like he was my soulmate we should get married yada yada...
But i was sad for some reasons. And devastated, really.
Marriage seemed like a very sensitive issue for me.
And i started to build up walls around me.
Into my freaking obsession on kpop.
Kpop was not new to me, i've been kpop fan since 2008, i watched so many kdrama i cant decide which one is the best, i stan so many groups with different bias each time.
But then this time, the wall i built is so much thicker.
I fall into a deeper pit called fandom.

I get to know BTS during i need u era.
But their short pants were not into my likings and their earlier songs were too noisy for me at that time.
But later during that few weeks of denial state, BTS was promoting RUN and Butterfly.
The songs were directly shot into my heart.
To be honest i was trying to RUN away and i wish i could jusy dissapear like a Butterfly.
I can't remember how i started making twitter account specifically for BTS.
I started to follow other bts fans, get to know about army, watched all previous mvs, bangtan bombs, variety shows, performance stages.
My whole december (it was school holidays so i had a lot of free time) was filled with bts.
Bts bts bts.
My sisters (who also kpop fans) thought i was acting so weird.
Like too obsessed.
Bts was the only thing i talked about.
And the wall was getting taller, thicker.
Like i dun care what u want to say bout it, bts is my babies so if u want to talk bad about me fangirling over them just get off me.
Seriously, even me, i scared of my own self.

I don't even know my own self, so who can know me?

After he broke the engagement, my mom was desperately trying to find a new man for me so i can still get married as planned before.
Seeing her like that make me even devastated.
Why mom? Can i live being single a bit more...
I became passive.
Everytime she or anyone else wanted to introduce me with someone, i acted like i dun care.
I was scared.
With guys that i dun even know their existance and suddenly they want me to get know each other to lead for marriage.
No..not yet.
I'm not ready for this again.

One, two, three...
One after another the matchmaking sessions didn't turn out well.
Like God was trying to say to me, 'u r not ready for this, it is not ur time to get married yet.'

Later my mom got sick.
She need to be hospitalized for few times.
And i am taking care of her now.
Allah knows best.
It is my time to pay my duty as her child.
I've been spending 5 years in boarding schools and another 6 years in college and university abroad.
Leaving her after all those years to get married to someone i barely know...Allah stopped me there.
Now is my time to spend with her.
Although most of the time she still talk about marry me off before she dies, i keep telling, "dun worry mom, u will be okay and i'll be just fine"

"Sooner or later when my time comes then i'll get married. Until then, let me be ur faithful daughter no matter how bad i am..."

For The Last time before my youth fades away, let me enjoy my most beautiful moments with her, with my family...😘

***

So then u asked, what disease that he had?

a word said like Habit, oh, I don't giVe a ----, i don't give a ----
those words are all words i use to hide my weak self
that time i want to erase, that's right, the memories i want to erase of that day i had that "concert"
i was afraid of people, so i hid in the bathroom and stared at myself
-AgustD, The Last

(The concert where my mom was venting her anger towards his family while his mother was crying in agony and i dun even see his face for the last time - the day he broke our engagement officially)

Save me

I want to breathe, I hate this night
I want to wake up, I hate this dream
I’m trapped inside of myself and I’m dead

Don’t wanna be lonely
Just wanna be yours

Why is it so dark where you’re not here
It’s dangerous how wrecked I am
Save me because I can’t get a grip on myself

Listen to my heartbeat
It calls you whenever it wants to
Because within this pitch black darkness
You are shining so brightly

Today the moon shines brighter
on the blank spot in my memories
It swallowed me, this lunatic,
please save me tonight
Within this childish madness
you will save me tonight

I knew that your salvation
Is a part of my life
and the only helping hand that will embrase my pain
The best of me,
you’re the only thing I have
Please raise your voice
so that I can laugh again
Play on

Listen to my heartbeat,
it calls you whenever it wants to
Because within this pitch black darkness,
you are shining so brightly

Give me your hand save me save me
I need your love before I fall, fall
Give me your hand save me save me
I need your love before I fall, fall

Give me your hand save me save me
Give me your hand save me save me

Thank you for letting me be me
For helping me fly
For giving me wings
For straightening me out
For waking me from being suffocated
For waking me from a dream which was all I was living in
When I think of you the sun comes out
So I gave my sadness to the dog
(Thank you. For being ‘us’)

Give me your hand save me save me
I need your love before I fall, fall
Give me your hand save me save me
I need your love before I fall, fall

I want to write about #BTSdeactivatedparty and the mess happened last night
But after few paragraphs i got distracted watching uncontrollably fond i forgot to save
And it's gone.

Fine.
Maybe i shouldn't say anything
It was a mess that no need to be mentioned again

Let's become a better army
Better person altogether
Let's save ourselves from being too wrecked

Save us. Before we fall.

[BTS fanfic] Love me, not (3)

"Noona, you like Korea?"
"Yeah, very much. This is my third time here. Now that i met you, I love Korea even more"
"Jeongmal?"

Even though I could not see his face, I knew he was smiling.
Me too, I was smiling throughout the bike.

*****

I was standing behind public phone post at Hongdae station.

It was 8:30 p.m. 

For the past one hour, I was wondering if I am in my right mind to believe and wait there.

But who's to blame? 

They're superstar. Worldwide. Come one Hana, who have time to meet you in a busy Hongdae.

Even Jungkook went there alone before, but that's just him being extra.

But still I waited. And waited. 

It was 15 minutes before 10 p.m. when suddenly a masked man pulled me by the shoulder.

I almost screamed but he spoke under his heavy breath,"It's me, Jimin"

His left hand wrapped behind my shoulder while he pulled me to a black van parked nearby.

The van's door opened as we approached it, and I could see Rapmon behind the door.

"Come in"

I jumped into the van and sat beside Rapmon while Jimin came in after me went to the back seat.

In the darkness but light streets, I looked around...

I could see Tae on the one seat behind me, 

Jin at the front seat and their manager was the driver,  

Jimin sat beside Yoongi while at the back seat were Hobie and Jungkook.

"Noona"

Tae's voice brought me back to background sounds.

Before I could only heard my own heartbeats.

I was so scared to the point my mind was blank, my mouth locked.

The feeling of being kidnapped.

But when I actually realized that my kidnapper was BTS, I was more stunned and speechless.

And my face was pale due to shock I was feeling at that moment.

"Noona, gwaenchana?" 

"Yeah, I'm okay" 

I managed to pull a smile now.

Tae was smiling back, more cheerful :)

Rapmon later tried to explain the situation,

they just finished their schedule, it should ended much earlier 

Tae remembered his promise so he asked the manager to pull over near Hongdae

and to his surprise, I was there.

So I asked,"where are we going now?"

"our dorm" Tae said with his merry voice.

I couldn't help myself but looked aghast by the answer.

I could also heard Yoongi annoyingly heavy sigh from behind.

And I could feel some kind of tension in the van.

Everyone became so quiet.

"So you know..." the manager interrupted, "I'm against this. Don't take out your phone or anything and just left soon after."

"Hyung!" Tae protested.

Rapmon tried to calm the situation speaking korean that I could not understand.

Without me noticing, we were already arrived to their dorm. 

"I promised you. So come" Tae said while they were getting ready to go out the van.

One thing I was so sure, my mind was completely out of order and I became like a puppet.

Just followed the situation, not being able to give much thought.

And now, I was in their dorm. While other seems don't care and Yoongi looked the most distracted, they went into their respected rooms.

Only me with Tae and Rapmon at the living room.

Tae asked me to sit while he started to pick things up. Rapmon asked few questions just to get me comfortable, I guess.

"Do you want some water?"

"It's okay, I have mine." I bought a bottle of mineral water, a can of coffee and a chocolate bar from the convenient shop while waiting at the station.

Tae then sat beside me, one arm away, he knew to give me some space, I respected him for that.

He looked tired though but trying to cheer up the night.

Yoongi came out his room and went to the kitchen for water.

He looked very mad, I felt sad. 

He was my bias after all.

But I cannot blame him.

This whole situation felt like a mess.

"Tae, I should go back now"

He stared at me, looking sad.

"It's dark. You can stay."

"Are you f&#%$ real?" Yoongi snapped.

"yah hyung..geugeon mulye hae"

They started arguing while Rapmon tried to stop them.

Jungkook, Jimin and Hobie also came to the living room but looking helpless.

"I'll just go" 

I stood up immediately but Tae pulled my wrist.

Then I took my hand away almost knocked him in the face.

"Nae mome sondaeji ma" I sounded so weird but those words I learned from Ailee's Don't Touch Me

"I shouldn't be here. Sorry."

I went to the front door when Rapmon said,"I send you to the station" while taking his coat.

Tae wanted to come as well but Jimin stopped him.

I could listened to words like stay and sagwa without looking back.

I walked to the nearest station with Rapmon and Jimin beside me.

The night seemed gloomy.

We walked in silence.

When I could see the underground train station from afar, I pulled my courage and face them.

"You can go back now. Thank you for sending me over. Thank you for everything. Please say my sorry to Tae for being rude just now. Please take care of yourselves. BTS fighting!"

I said those words in seconds without waiting for their reply, I turned and walked over to the station.

"Noona"

I stopped and turned around.

"Take care too." Rapmon gave me his dimpled smile.

No. I don't regret what happened that night.

I just pray that Tae and Yoongi settled down. 

I am not worth to be the reason they were fighting.

Still feeling weird, did Tae likes me? Is it because of our bike trip together?

At that time, I do not have even a slightest idea, 

it was not Tae who like me.. 

but him.

<< Love me, not (2)

Love me, not (4) >>

Fire

Bultaoreune

When I wake up in my room I have nothing
Once the sun goes down, I stumble
So completely drunk, drunk
Cursing around on the street, street
I’m out of my mind, like an insane person
It’s all a mess, livin’ like beep

Just live how you want
Your life is yours
Don’t try so hard
It’s alright to lose

Errbody say La la la la la (La la la la la)
Say la la la la la (La la la la la)
Put your hands up and shout
Burn it up

Burning up

Burn it all Bow wow wow
Burn it all Bow wow wow

Hey, burn it up
Like you want to burn it all
Hey, turn it up
Until the dawn breaks

It’s okay to just live 
We’re still young
Who do you think you are to say otherwise
Stop comparing, I’m just me (So what)

(Fire) The scared, this way
(Fire) The miserable, this way
(Fire) With your fists up, all night long
(Fire) In marching footsteps
(Fire) Jump, go crazy

Fire Fire , burn it all Bow wow wow

I’ll forgive you

When i first listened to the song, i was hyped
So much energy
So much mild cussing to those haters
Just burn it all
Or in malay," bakorrr je~"

Now look deeper on the lyrics
It's still a continuation from no more dream
After 3 years, yes they are talking bout the same issue
Because we, the youth, still hv the same problem, still lack of passion, dun walk the talk, spend so much time to worthless life

When i wake up in my room, i have nothing

Then we started to settle down
We r growing up
People will condemn us, criticize us along the way
Cause we'll never be perfect
But never let those negative judgment break us apart
Let it be our breakthrough in life

Just live how you want
Your life is yours
Don’t try so hard
It’s alright to lose

Sometimes we choose to follow the crowd
Just to be like others
To be appreciated. To be loved.
Yet never lose ourselves through the journey of our own life
It's alright to lose, we'll learn from mistakes and become better person
What doesnt kill us make us stronger

Stop comparing, I'm just me

Forgive others
Expect less, give more
Let's burn the hatred
Lead a happy life
InshaAllah :)

Artsy right-handed

Apart of making videos and writing, i also love drawing.
In fact drawing is my hobby since i was a baby. I used to draw stuffs on wall that caused headache to my dad XD

When i was 12 years old, i had 3 cover to cover comic books.
The stories were quite dramatic. I liked thriller, suspense genre and sometimes friendship and love into my comics.
My friend loved to read them, even my teacher read it once.
Now that i am a teacher myself, i like to see my students' drawings and not getting mad if they have their own comic books unless they dont finish their homeworks 😄

So here are some of my arts when it comes to BTS.
I used to draw manga so i cant really draw real face but i tried 😆

JK face drawn in 7 seconds

Date with Yoongi

Date with JK

Young Forever photoshoot

Miss Right

The more i'm into them and their songs and the fandom, the more sicken i've become. And now i'm on the edge of saying, i had enough!

I don't even want to write the lyrics into my blog.
Here's the link if u want to know what i'm going to talk about...
http://www.kpoplyrics.net/bts-miss-right-lyrics-english-romanized.html

Miss right huh, right...

This one sentence makes me ponder;
"I never believed that there was a god"
Am I stanning the right group?
Or to be honest, the real question is
"what's good in kpop for human of belief?"

Some groups are fake, puppet of the company, singing songs that r given to them, performing as what the ceo wants or what the fans r craving for..
But for bts, they make their own songs so i cant help but being more judgmental when it comes to their lyrics
They speak what's in their mind
So really, they didnt believe in god?

Although it is common for non believer to be atheist
They believe their life is of what they work for, their success is due to their own passion and hard work
So they dun feel the purpose of having god when they can make things out by themselves
That they forget, how human are made at the first place...

Me, myself sometimes forget the fact that our life is determined by God's plan
That we have to work for as the means of event to be happened but the result is known by The One who created us
So i've been delusional
To keep my mind from thinking the bad things that happened in life, sometimes i choose rather to indulge myself into fangirling or whatnot

So now regarding the fandom
At first i was so in love with army (bts fanclub)
I got new mutuals in twitter
And had great conversations with them
Making great connections..
To having someone who will translate bts video clips namely bangtan bomb, variety shows etc within 2 days or less..
Participating in giveaways although i never win anything
Live updates on bts live performance or concerts..
Having selca days every tuesday..
It was fun...

Later i came across with less educated fans
Who chasing after the boys on street and surround them in the airport
Or those who bickering other fandom or people who involved with bts that not into their likings
Or those who only stan their bias and badmouthed other members
Or those who simply hate.
Most of them are teenagers, high schoolers...
I cant blame them for being immature cause they are young to know more about life
I cant stop that immature people to speak their minds on sns via their fake names
Freedom of speech sometimes overshadowed what matter in life...

So yeah. I had enough of these crappy comments i keep come across while scrolling my twt tl
And loving someone aka bts too much hurts..
One sided love that consume too much of ur time, feelings, money...

And on top of that, i hate myself for being what i am now
For having two faces, online and offline
So who am i to blame those people who hides behind their fake id
Because i am too
If my real friends or my students know who i am online esp on twitter, i dun think i have the courage to meet them as the same again
That's why i always have no-face selcas on armyselcaday, hiding my real face under bunny sticker cause i dun want to be known online as what i am in real life
Too different
Too fake
When i told my kids to spend their time wisely, to study, to behave well, to have discipline in life
While i spend myself online fangirling
It's just too much for me sometimes
Too overwhelming sometimes i just broke into tears because i dunno who's to talk to
As my real life friends dun noe what kind of person i am online
And my mutuals dun noe what kind of person i am offline
Between these two worlds, only God knows what's going on
But i am too sinful sometimes i couldnt bring myself to say anything to Him
I just wish He gives a way out for me from these mess...

I'm not a miss right.
Never be.

I only hope that i'll be what right for me...