The Last

I don't even know my own self, so who can know me? -AgustD

That one verse speaks up my feelings.
With things that I can't explain myself while others were expecting me to tell the truth.

16.08.16
The day Suga dropped his mixtape.
Armys were dying to the fire he lits up.
For me, that day was one year anniversary of my broken engagement.
I was engaged on that date one year ago.
He later broke the engagement on december due to his disease that no one knows but his close family and me.
He just knew about the disease and chose to break the engagement.
I understood his reason and i respected him for that.
I cannot imagine myself of marrying him either.
He told me bout the disease, no he didnt, his sister told me on early december.
But he kept me hanging for couple weeks until his family came and returned the ring.

During that few weeks, i was devastated to be honest.
I can't even tell my family why he decided to break up.
My family blamed him for being disrespectful and irresponsible.
The marriage should be taken in two months, I already booked the catering, done marriage course as well as hiv test, i almost print the wedding invitation cards.

Still, i don't blame him.
I don't really know him, we met through my mom's friend.
So i dun have heart broken feelings like he was my soulmate we should get married yada yada...
But i was sad for some reasons. And devastated, really.
Marriage seemed like a very sensitive issue for me.
And i started to build up walls around me.
Into my freaking obsession on kpop.
Kpop was not new to me, i've been kpop fan since 2008, i watched so many kdrama i cant decide which one is the best, i stan so many groups with different bias each time.
But then this time, the wall i built is so much thicker.
I fall into a deeper pit called fandom.

I get to know BTS during i need u era.
But their short pants were not into my likings and their earlier songs were too noisy for me at that time.
But later during that few weeks of denial state, BTS was promoting RUN and Butterfly.
The songs were directly shot into my heart.
To be honest i was trying to RUN away and i wish i could jusy dissapear like a Butterfly.
I can't remember how i started making twitter account specifically for BTS.
I started to follow other bts fans, get to know about army, watched all previous mvs, bangtan bombs, variety shows, performance stages.
My whole december (it was school holidays so i had a lot of free time) was filled with bts.
Bts bts bts.
My sisters (who also kpop fans) thought i was acting so weird.
Like too obsessed.
Bts was the only thing i talked about.
And the wall was getting taller, thicker.
Like i dun care what u want to say bout it, bts is my babies so if u want to talk bad about me fangirling over them just get off me.
Seriously, even me, i scared of my own self.

I don't even know my own self, so who can know me?

After he broke the engagement, my mom was desperately trying to find a new man for me so i can still get married as planned before.
Seeing her like that make me even devastated.
Why mom? Can i live being single a bit more...
I became passive.
Everytime she or anyone else wanted to introduce me with someone, i acted like i dun care.
I was scared.
With guys that i dun even know their existance and suddenly they want me to get know each other to lead for marriage.
No..not yet.
I'm not ready for this again.

One, two, three...
One after another the matchmaking sessions didn't turn out well.
Like God was trying to say to me, 'u r not ready for this, it is not ur time to get married yet.'

Later my mom got sick.
She need to be hospitalized for few times.
And i am taking care of her now.
Allah knows best.
It is my time to pay my duty as her child.
I've been spending 5 years in boarding schools and another 6 years in college and university abroad.
Leaving her after all those years to get married to someone i barely know...Allah stopped me there.
Now is my time to spend with her.
Although most of the time she still talk about marry me off before she dies, i keep telling, "dun worry mom, u will be okay and i'll be just fine"

"Sooner or later when my time comes then i'll get married. Until then, let me be ur faithful daughter no matter how bad i am..."

For The Last time before my youth fades away, let me enjoy my most beautiful moments with her, with my family...😘

***

So then u asked, what disease that he had?

a word said like Habit, oh, I don't giVe a ----, i don't give a ----
those words are all words i use to hide my weak self
that time i want to erase, that's right, the memories i want to erase of that day i had that "concert"
i was afraid of people, so i hid in the bathroom and stared at myself
-AgustD, The Last

(The concert where my mom was venting her anger towards his family while his mother was crying in agony and i dun even see his face for the last time - the day he broke our engagement officially)