7.5.3

After 7 years, 5 or 3 years...what's good you've done in your life?

June 2010
Around that time, Namjoon and Yoongi became bighit trainees out of their underground rapper scene. As those earliest members of BTS they held the responsibility to shape their group. They were immature but they held big dreams. They hv each other and they succeed now more or less...

"Bella tak pernah sedih ke?"
Suddenly a sister asked me that question after maghrib prayer. she said i always look happy go lucky. well,i'm not surprised. she is not the first person to say that. because i always put a smile on my face and always love to make people laugh at my lousy jokes which make me happy either i was happy or not at that moment. i just dun like to show the weak side of me although they are some friends already see that pathetic side of mine. the sister asked how i would cry at the down moments and i said i used to cry alone whenever i wanted to. and she replied, she's there with me whenever i feel bad and need someone to talk with :') thanks sis...
[100626 9:10PM]

I wrote this on my personal blog
It was my first winter in Australia
I went to visit many places during that one month break, one place that I hold dearly in my heart was Melbourne
Because I found myself there
I met people who made me closer to God
Learnt more bout my own faith
Something that I took for granted, just because I was born muslim but never try hard enough to understand more and be proud of being one
I was a happy kid and I missed that
I really do
Many things happened, seasons passed and I've changed
But for being there, in Australia during my early 20s, I was blessed and glad that I had the chance...and found myself.


December 2010

JHope was the next person into bighit, on 24th of December. Those three rappers became the spine of BTS. They were asked to make songs every other day. Yoongi thought they were going to debut as a trio rapper but he was wrong. He hated the fact he was wrong. But again, they become of what they are now because of those three managed to be together and hold so many responsibilities of ensuring they produce great songs and make better comebacks each time. For that, I wish they stay together forever...

"Jahiliyyah umpama chewing gum yang melekat di kasut. Tak selesa dan annoying. Menanggalkannya tak mudah dan ia juga meninggalkan kesan yang tak best"
i'm not holding the remote but i'm still sitting in front the tv so of course i ended up watching it as well..and it's not bout korea only..house,csi,bones,next top model,mtv,etc etc. itu semua jahiliyah. i know yet i still love them. again.
[101222 11:29PM]

I was a kpop fan since 2007
During my end of school holidays, my sister introduced DBSK to me by showing their japanese release mv 'doushite'
Until now that is my fav song of all time
Also she showed me Super Junior's movie 'Attack on the pin-up boys' and so suju was my ultimate bias group
Later i went to college and made my roomates to love kpop too then we made friends, there were 9 of us and we called ourselves snsd pfft
It was great moments though, between us
I used to befriend with everyone and dun really make into any group
But 9 of us like family, we made so many beautiful memories together although most of them were so childish and clingy and like bimbo girls we were
But again, we were just girls, and girls just wanna have fun, or so we thought...

I went to Australia one year early than the rest of us since I was in fast track class
It was sad, I missed them badly
But I made new friends
Who somehow changed the inner childish fangirl me into more matured and responsible with my actions
I've changed, to be a better person or so I thought...
But on December I went back home for summer holidays and I became my old self again, that fangirl me
With my sisters, it seemed like all my effort to shut kpop off my life miserably failed
I called them jahiliyah but i still watched them anywhere, even until now after a solid 10 years..kpop never leave me or it is me who never want to leave at the first place *sigh*


April 2011

In middle school, Jungkook went to Superstar K to audition but failed to pass the elimination round. On the way back home, he received offers from eight different entertainment agencies. But after randomly seeing and falling in love with Rap Monster’s rap, he decided to join Big Hit Entertainment. He joined bighit on 24th April 2011.

April Tragedy
We were in newcastle beach, having fun, taking pictures here and there
At first I was looking at my friends who were at the edge of the sea, on the coral reefs then I decided to join them
But suddenly big waves came upon us and pushed us on the reefs and mind u, the stones r sharp so we were bleeding badly
Luckily we were not drowning so we moved quickly off the reefs and back on the platform
We saved but my friends' handphone broke, mine is saved coz i put it in the bag...
My new crocs wasn't though, it went straight into the sea
satu yang begitu terkesan atas peristiwa tersebut..sy bersyukur teramat Allah belum tarik nyawa kami waktu itu sbb masa kejadian bukanlah kalimah syahadah yg disebut atau syurga yang terbayang tapi sy hanya melihat kasut yang terhanyut pergi,seorang sahabat terfikir pasal kunci kereta dalam poket begitu juga yang lain sibuk memikirkan gadget2 dalam beg masing2...
masyaAllah, di saat begitu kami masih melihat dunia...
[110503 5:26PM]

I had the worst autumn break ever
Since then, autumn is always be my worst season
Me and my friends had a roadtrip and I was a 2nd year senior back then, I brought my juniors on the trip but funny enough, those involved in the incident were all seniors
The juniors must had great shock that most of them never join our trip again
I made into 2nd year despite the ups and downs of being 1st year engineering student
But the road never get easier
So4more well now i remember 2cool4skool album, it was lit especially 2nd grade, i love that song;

Even if 1 year passes, we live in today
In the blink of an eye, I become a new 2nd grader

Back to my story...so being a 2nd grade was hard
The subjects become harder and more deep into engineering which I need to decide my major and somehow i dun like any of it but i just went through nonetheless
And being one year senior i need to cater the juniors and helped them with their new life as oversea students
And God knows, how many times i had misunderstanding and fought with my friends regarding lot of things
But again, I managed to pull through the messiest year ever and it matured me a lot
I became more concious of the things I want to do and the words i want to say
On the age of 21, at least I could call myself, became a real adult.


June 2011

Around mid 2011, Jin joined bighit followed by Taehyung. Although Jin was there at first as trainee to be an actor but somehow he became one of the BTS members. He was in as visual but Lord knows, how hardworking he is to become what he is now imma proud of that fact alone. And another visual Tae but with that deep voice of his, no wonder he was my bias wrecker. They made a 6-members of BTS since Jimin only came in almost one year later.

no matter how many time i remind myself that money is only for dunya, and Allah can take it away from me anytime He wants but still i can't stop myself for being sad...
especially when the money is gone for something that can be prevent of, something that i actually don't need to pay for..
like when i need to pay extra for using my blackberry at Malaysia bcoz of the international roaming where i thought there's no charge for that..
and when i need to pay for my previous internet bills just bcoz i dun email them to cancel their service..i though after our contract ends, so the service but it's not happen that way..unless i email them to cancel, they still charge me for internet that i never use for 4 months already! and this happened because i never look through my bank account to realise that they deduct my money every months. until now. i already emailed them so should be fine. as former student who taking accounting, i should be careful enough to see what's happened to my money, very should...
[110613 1:55PM]

Wow i laughed reading this post again
Since i am now having hard time to deal with money
I think even after 6 years, the same problem keep coming back huh
Oh, life...


May 2012

So Jimin was scouted into bighit and became the 7th member of BTS. Yeay finally OT7!! But their journey is so much more to go.
Same goes to me...

Just so know, i have an internal crisis. There are many but this is the biggest one.
Like my dad, we are easily get bored with something common.
We love changes.
And now is one of those time i want something different.
New environment, new place, new people.
Sorry, it's just me. You can blame on me.
[120503 12:10PM]

Gosh seriously, this is me on so many level
Well i wrote the post so yeah it is me
Even now i hv those internal crisis again
I quit my job to take care of my mom but on the other note, I just want to hv my time to rethink of my life journey
What i want to be in the future and spend the rest of life as that
Now after 2 months break I still unable to decypher myself and it hurts me to the core
I'm such a spoilt adult
Since I hv my mom to support me on daily basis but for how long I want to stay like this
Not able to be responsible adult who can take care of herself without other's help
I thought i was adult enough since I was able to live by my own abroad for 4 years but once I'm home, I am just a coach potato with big lazy ass im so done with myself *big sigh*


June 2013

Or to be exact, 130613 the legendary date of BTS official debut stage. The born of new kings of kpop years to come. And yeah, who I was during that time?
Mind u, i only became an army end of 2015 so BTS was out of my radar back then...

I've met the doctor again today, to get my blood test result.
I need to wait 30 minutes though before the doctor called me inside.
So the result is...."All perfect!"
Alhamdulillah. My glucose level is normal, my cholesterol is normal, my thyroid gland is normal, my blood cell all good :)
Comment by the doctor: we are all get tired at times. Maybe it's a combination of my study and me working as a cleaner. Need more exercise, drink more water, follow a schedule for meal. I'm doing fine.
Most importantly, tawakal to Allah as He's The One who gives good health to us :)
[130612 10:59AM]

I was taking a medical checkup that day. Since I need to extend my study for another semester cause I failed a subject on my 3rd year
Damn hard though, failed a subject and need to extend a semester!
Which cost extra $4k to pay!!!
I also had to change my major from environmental to chemical engineering
What the fish i hate engineering so bad but i was on my final year i had to complete or else i need to pay mara the whole half million ringgit
It was suppose to be my final semester so I had my fyp that semester which pretty damn the whole thing i did
And sure enough kpop was long gone i dun hv time for that during the whole 2013 which is the reason why BTS was out of my radar
It was a good thing to be busy though so i wont spend much time with useless things
Although it only stayed like that for a year


Nov 2013

BTS won their first award; New Artist of the Year at Melon Music Awards on the 14th of November that year

ni hari ketiga bekerja,
sapu dan vacuum lantai, susun meja kat restaurant turkey di south bank
restaurant halal tapi menghidangkan arak
malam minggu ada persembahan belly dancing
digantung ayat kursi tapi berbotol arak kat sebelah ayat tu. ironik.
pengaruh kamal artartuk, klau erdogan tgk mahu dia sedih..
2 minggu lagi start another job, cleaning in a house
status hati: kosong
haish..
[131114 5:37AM]

I was doing cleaning jobs to get extra pocket money since I need to extend my semester and while waiting my sponsorship to grant me extra semester loan i might starve so better prepare early
I worked in a restaurant, along with 3 houses all as cleaner
They paid well but it was so tiring
And my heart became empty day by day
I just want to graduate and leave this place
A place that I loved so much for bringing so many happiness and good memories yet I was so tired with my study i dun care anymore
And my doom days were coming on my way i dun even realize until it's too late...


Feb 2014

On 23rd February 2014, BTS was nominated for the trophy on Inkigayo for their song Boy in Luv. In fact it was their first time to be the nominees so they were thrilled and excited and nervous but ended up getting the third place
Yet they promised to give better performance and produce greater songs
And they kept their promise.

Travelog: Discovering Seoul
[140220 6:11PM]

I made a long post about my journey to korea. I went there for the first time on 21-27 January 2014 but only managed to write bout it a month later.
I spent almost my whole summer in Australia working as a cleaner but decided to go home for 3 weeks; 2 weeks in Malaysia, 1 week in Korea
I decided to go to Korea for a mission; to say goodbye to my kpop craze
Yes I went idle from kpop world for one year but after done with my fyp I keep wanting for more and it tires me so I thought maybe if I went there and see myself of the craziness of being a fangirl and just leave it there
So i thought
I made new friends while staying in seoul for a week and it was one of the best oversea trip i ever done
But i failed my mission terribly
Being there made me into kpop again, this time deeper i started to know about fandoms
I was an exol, even seeing a poster of them on the street of myeongdong made me so excited i should kms
I wasnt in twitter kpop stan yet so pretty much survive from all the ugliness on being in a rising fandom
Exo was pretty much on the top at that time, even until now they are still somewhere there but yeah everywhere i went was full of them
It was a great winter but again, i failed my mission and soon turned me into a solid fangirl i could never imagine before...


August 2014

On August 19, BTS released the music video for their comeback single "Danger" from their first full album, Dark & Wild, which sold over 109,098 copies.

24.07.14
merupakan tarikh graduasi bagi pelajar kejuruteraan di university of queensland
aku saat itu sedang mengemas buku-buku yang telah dibawa pulang for good di Malaysia.
hari itu. aku deactivate akaun muka buku buat sementara waktu.
"ada tak rasa menyesal tak pergi graduasi tu?" soal kakakku di suatu petang.
"taklah" aku jawab selamba. dalam hati, hanya Tuhan yang tahu.
[140804 8:51PM]

Afterall i managed to graduate with honours (not 1st class) but somehow i got the highest grade compared to my malaysian friends who graduate on the same day
But i never make it to the ceremony
So i feel you Jin, when u cant make it to yours
It was my fault though for buying wrong flight tickets back home and too expensive to change it
Hence i graduated but my bad, i never think of becoming an engineer
I never apply for engineering post except on JPA (government) site
Only a week after I went back for good, i got a call to be substitute english teacher
I guess teaching's okay for me
Over the years study engineering, somehow i build up a passion on teaching
Not because of my course, but due to tarbiah i experienced there

So i became a teacher
But only last for a month
I got culture shock and being around kids who dunno how to respect adults just because i'm too nice wasnt helping at all
Later i took part time job as an accountant in an NGO company
I worked there for 3 months before permenantly settled as a teacher in a private school, so i thought...


May 2015

On 5th May, BTS got their first win on music show for I Need U
2015, the year of HYYH era where BTS started climbing up the charts all over the world
Their fans were tripled the amount
Their first world tour: TRB was a success
They also come to Malaysia on 5th June
I was aware for their existance by now but not bother to look at them
My sisters showed me INU performance but they wearing short pants were not into my likings
Although i was slowly back into my fangirl self, i hv some faith of hating things like showing off ur aurat
Well ofc they r not muslims but for me looking at ppl aurat is a no-no so yeah that's me, an orthodox muslim in some areas 😥

On the streets of Japan
[150504 1:05AM]

I made another long post of my oversea trip, this time to Japan
Before i became an army and spent money on BTS merchs, I was a travelling freak
With little money i saved, i would plan a trip, mostly overseas
I went to Korea again on August 2014 with my family, then Japan on May with my sister and later Europe on July the same year
So i guess i have a common thing with BTS for 2015 they had their world tour and same goes to me
Until i reached the point of life will not forever be beautiful and the sky will not forever be bright (hidup tidak selalunya indah, langit tak selalu cerah~)
Reality struck me, money depleted
Loans to be paid
Travelling overseas r too expensive especially with current RM currency which keeps on falling
So i stopped
And i was preparing for my wedding after got engaged on August which later fall apart


Dec 2015

BTS comeback on 30rd November with HYYH pt 2 and gained more fans and received more awards and here comes me, crawling into the fandom, ARMY.

An anxious mother, a denial daughter
When it is near, and something goes off
I can see that things would not be the same
The emotions, the feelings that involved
And mom becomes anxious
Trying to fix things
While the daughter is having fangirl-addiction
Trying to move on but yet failed
Miserably

When be asked, "why BTS?"
Simply answered,"just because"
Maybe she missed the youth they were promoting
The old times break-the-rule feelings
To have friends to hang out with
To not feeling guilty of the things she didnt know

Hey.
Move on.
She is an adult now,
But acting like a kid.
Move. On.
Nevermind.

"I only look forward and run
Without having time to look around
Without me noticing I have become the pride of my family
And I have succeeded to some extent
The time we call puberty
I think of it suddenly
At that time I was young
And had nothing to fear
A few times defeated isn’t much
If there’s anything that’s different it’s my height
And also being a bit more mature for my age
...
No matter what anyone said
I only lived how I wanted, guided by only my beliefs
In your eyes, how do you think I’m doing right now
How do you think I am
...
Like I always said hundreds of time every day, “Never mind me”
I can have a taste of failure and frustration and bow my head
We are still young and immature, don’t even worry about it
Moss surely grows on a stone that doesn’t roll
If you can’t return, go straight through your mistakes and forget them all
NEVER MIND it’s not easy but engrave it onto your chest
If you feel like you’re going to crash then accelerate more,
Come on
NEVER MIND NEVER MIND
No matter how thorny the road is, run
NEVER MIND NEVER MIND
There are lots of things in the world that you can’t help
You better
NEVER MIND NEVER MIND
...
NEVER MIND"
[151208 9:19PM]

It was the lowest moment of my life
Which contradict with BTS promoting 'The Most Beautiful Moments in Life'
So i guess that's why i hooked immediately with them since they were my dream of having something i don't
My engagement broke, 2 months before the wedding, the event itself was not too devastated
We broke off in a good manner and procedure but the aftermath was devastated
I joined kpop twitter stan and became army
All through 2016 only meant something to me watching BTS performed, won awards, various events of them
My own life events were nothing but a passing wind
I remembered dates because of BTS schedules
I spent 1k for their merchs within 3 months to complete my collection from their 1st album until recent albums
Luckily i dun feel like buying those NOW, summer packages, season greeting and other merchs or else i would spend enough to bring me for umrah
I fall in love with their musics so the albums r all i need
Many times within the year i feel like this is enough, stob it
Uninstall twitter app but few days later reinstall it wont help at all
I started to know more armys and it was fun to know more people and engage with them
Until i realized i'm too old for this
Everyday with new dramas within fandom and between fandoms
But i stay anywhere

Now, it is 2017
And it's already march
You can list all the achievements of BTS throughout the years
It's overwhelmed
They got their first daesang, followed by their second and third and forth...
Then list my achievement, and you got nothing

***

This is a story of me, align with the successful journey of BTS
And it shows how wrecked i am
As their fan, i feel ashamed
#makenamjoonproud is so hard for me to achieve
Like they are 2-7 years younger than me but they made their company into a billionaire company

So to my dear self and beloved readers,
Let's work hard
To achieve something in our life that we can be proud of
I'm still searching it myself but life's a journey
Keep walking, keep working on our dreams
You never walk alone.